Where have I been? 05:24

Well, nearly xmas, very excited. Getting an A is psychology, makes me pleased..
Me and J broke up and I'm seeing a guy...lets call him JM :) he's lovely.
The whole fluid in arms thing? I was experiencing amphetamine psychosis...scary stuff guys!! I don't take ti too often, but sometimes. I'm getting some as an xmas gift off J :P

Have made lots of new friends at my college, I'm happy about that. Also, there's an anorexic girl there, she seems so timid and shy. I want to talk to her...but what is there to say? I look fairly averaged sized, you'd never know I use drugs to stop eating and throw up/restrict....i'm average but on the skinny side, i suppose.
Hate to say that, I know you don't believe me. You think I'm fat too :/

Hopefully be hearing more from me x
Much love!

all okay, nearly better.
still 109, but i think it'll go down tomorrow, pretty quickly actually :)
Well, we'll see
xx

back down to 109 :)

Death? 12:51

Right guys, I have a little confession to make...i was IVing fet on friday.
Somethings kinda gone wrong, I think...I'm gonna try and explain but I feel really disorientated and wrong.
I missed my vein a couple of times, well I did once and J did the other, and my arms started tingling after that, which is pretty normal...but now they've swollen up with fluid (only a little bit!!) which i can feel going up and down my arms when i move about..
I'm incredibly dizzy and disorientated, and i'm trying to work out whats wrong with me by using the internet...
I did go to the 'urgent care centre' in bishop auckland yesterday, but at the time my arms had drained and there wasn't really much to prove what was wrong. He said that nothing was wrong, but I'm very sure there is, I feel absolutely awful, like I could faint or worse at any second. I'm going to A&E tomorrow after college, hopefully they'll be able to find out what's wrong with me. I definately don't want my parents finding out, it'll only worry them and disappoint them..

On an eating note, I've just had a little bit of food (bag of wotsits, couple of veggie scotch eggs and a breakaway bar) and I had a small fruit salad at lunchtimeish to try and make me feel better. I had a 'quasimodo' yesterday (tortilla thingy, it has a proper name, that's just what my family call it)...Have yet to weigh myself but hopefully have lost a bit :)

More soon, hope I stay alive!

i feel so sad. it makes me want to cry.i feel like crying. i feel surreal.what the fuck is fucking wrong with me.

fuck. 11:39

115.
I'm a failure. I want to die.

best way to put you off food for life? watching people squeeze the pus out of abcesses on youtube.
i don't know how i even got to those videos..
all i know is i won't be eating today..

Ooh, I'm so sad right now :( 15:08

One of my little pet mice died, about half an hour ago or so :( he had a big tumour, and it started bleeding on sunday...he was going to go to the vets tomorrow morning but he just didn't make it, and died all curled up in a ball. He looked so snug in his bedding :(
I'll never forget how he used to climb out of the old cage through the bars and go on his little mouse wheel for ages in the night, but always go back in afterwards. Or the time he ran away out of the big castle cage and then came back because he was hungry.
We used to call him adventure mouse, because he would jump from hand to hand when me and J held him.
He ran away once or twice or maybe even more than that, and my whole family chased the two of them around the front room..
I'm going to miss my little mouse. Pegs was his name, we called the two boys Pegs and Paul, and the girlie (who died about 2 months ago) Pens, all of them were after league of gentlemen characters of some sort.
:(
RIP Pegs and Pens xxxx

tired and weary. 12:12

I've been reading poetry all day, some phrases are too beautiful..
I'm weighed down.
With college work, and with fat, and with awful thoughts.
I want to be thin, my dears. I want to be very, very thin.
I want to disappear now. Words can't express how much. I want to get away from it all.
Oh :(

throw it up, throw it all up 09:46

man.
i feel so tired these days.
eat, purge, sleep.

i'm dying to feel something... 12:24

Hello. My name is Lily.
I don't know who I really am.
Hope that's okay.

I don't know whats wrong at the moment, I get this every time each year, where I feel wrong and weird...
I feel fat. I want to lose weight and can't. And at 7 stone something, I'm thinner than most, my bmi is 20 at the most these days, normally around 19.1 or so...but I hate it. I want to be thinner. I want to be less than 100lbs, I want my bmi to be 16. I want to feel proud of myself.

I don't think I'm good at anything, except maybe sex. I don't get guys, I don't get amazing grades, I can't drink a lot, I don't take drugs very often, i don't do anything exciting....I don't achieve anything.

Vinushka, the titles of my posts are just lyrics :P Chemicals do mean drugs, and I'm careful when I do them :P also, I don't know if I want him or the way it was...I can se eus being in a healthy relationship, but I'm just not happy. I was at his tonight and I just didn't feel in love.Sex is just sex. Kissing is just kissing. It doesn't mean EVERYTHING to me, the way it does to him...I feel lost.

I've been throwing up a lot lately. Making myself, that it. I'm tired.

Oh God, make me okay. I want to be the quirky kind of normal. The kind of person people aspire to be.

Where is the kid with the chemicals? I thought he said to meet him here but I'm not sure... 15:10

I am alone.
I feel trapped.
Already.
I can't see myself crawling out of this hole I dig.
I don't want him.
But I do want him,
But maybe I just want to feel wanted.
Or maybe I'm dying to keep wanting?

Made myself sick to get a day off. 05:03

I need a little rest, there's too much with work and college and friends and J and my family..
It's nice to have a lie down. Nice to forget about things for a while.
I ate a lot, then threw it up. This morning I had some water and then threw it up.
Mmmm.
Tired.

Hmmmmm 15:17

I was talking to my mum about how I'd been feeling really thirsty lately, and she said I might have diabetes, as a joke,
but I looked up the symptoms and I have like....every single one of them really, even weight loss to some extent :S

Not really sure what to do...do you think it's worth going to the doctors? I probably don't have it but I've worried myself a bit now lol.

I suppose leaving it wouldn't be so bad, if I die, I die?

When it rains here, it pours.
I'm back with J, so there's some good news.
My stomach hurts so much because I've eaten tomato soup and a sandwich.
And some bacon flavoured discos.
I'm fasting tomorrow, I won't let myself down.

Might try some 2468s for a while. but add a '0'.
I've never really believed these 'ana' diets, but it's worth a try, I suppose..

i feel awful. he puts me down, all the time. everything i say is 'ridiculous'. everyone i know isn't worth knowing and my whole existence doesn't matter.
those 2 boys, my 'friends'? reinforce everything bad i've ever known about men.

What is wrong :/ 15:15

Can't I just be perfect?
I think I'd really like to be perfect.
Let me just lose 30lbs.
Let me.

lonely... 06:01

i'm sitting in the common room at college, and I've just realised how alone I really feel... I've lost all of my good friends when I came here and now qe, and I havent got anyone I feel close to here. I feel really bad at the moment...I dont know what to do...

What? 11:49

You confuse me.

You give me reason to believe you like me.

And the way you look at me implies you might do.

And the way you act with me tells me you could do.

But then I see another girl on your knee,

You act the same with someone else, it's not just me.

And that's enough of a reason not to ask you.

I guess I'll have to make do.

I am losing my mind... 13:12

I am lost. I wander round empty rooms with walls made of cardboard.
The people are mirrors, the reflect things I hate about myself.
About the human race.
I curl up in a ball, and wish my life away. I am tiptoed round,
noone dares disturb the sleeping monster.
Then the sound returns. The music comes back.
I find myself.

This is reality, I call it insanity. 08:51

What does it feel like to fall in love again?
It's been so long that I can't remember. I've been trapped inside the bones of decaying relationships for too long.

Stuck 10:23

I'm stuck. I wake up, get dressed, go out, do college, go to work, do work, go home, do my homework, go to sleep, get up, get dressed, go out, do college, go to work, do work, go home, do my homework, go to sleep....
and then there's an occasional party that i sleep with people at in order to feel wanted.

The only time I MIGHT get some time to myself, over the half term, has been taken away from me. I can't describe how angry I am. I thought I might get to do ONE nice thing, like go to York with my friend or just go into town shopping, but I just won't have time.

There's never any time to think straight anymore, I just have 200 things on my mind at all times and can't stay on one thing long enough to sort it.

I hate this.

it was the afternoon of extravagant delight... 16:11

I want to stop eating.

Please stop me eating.

Dear Lily, stop eating.

FUCK YOU, STOP EATING.

i am tired so fucking exhausted so very very anxious and crazy my mind doesn't stop and my heart beats faster by the hour i know what i need to do i know i don't need help doing it but i want the help that i know exists that stops me eating and makes me happy makes me so fucking happy i want to be thin and i want to be dead all at the same time my friends think i'm okay but inside i'm screaming for help i need to be thinner i need to be thinner i need to be thinner just let me be thinner just please i need this like i need to breathe and if i don't get thin soon i don't think i can keep going

Being Nostalgic 06:05

I'm so scared of getting older, I've realised. I feel rushed, like there's too much pressure on me to decide things, even though it's only me putting pressure on myself...I feel like everything around me is going too fast and I just can't get out. It's so soon since last autumn, and everything's just disappearing into the back of my head. I've been at college for 7 weeks now, I think and it's gone too fast. I've only just started college. I can't be 7 weeks in, it's wrong. You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you go in a lift, or on a rollacoaster? It feels like that. Like the world is spinning too quickly and I'm moving in slow motion. I can't explain it. The words are in my head but they come out all wrong. Why can't I be the person I see myself as inside my mind? Why can't my life be picturesque and quasi-perfect? I need some stability. I need reliability. I need my mind to be clearer, instead of having 200 thoughts in there at once.

Help.

Personality disorder test... 03:58

Took a personality disorder test, and it's obviously not reliable, and I came up as the following:
Paranoid
Schizotypal
Antisocial
Borderline
Histrionic
Narcissistic
Dependant

I didn't accept any of them, but Histrionic sounds too much like me...
Mmm.

Dizzy. Fuckin stoned. 15:33

There's no speed about this week. I need my OWN FUCKIN DEALER.

sorry.

I like autumn. It's got an urgency to it, like it's dying to get somewhere, or stuck and wriggling to get out.
I like the freezing wind and the way it conjures a whirl of dead leaves around me.
It makes me feel real for a moment.

I was thinking. 13:58

And reading.
Reading my old blog posts. I miss myself. I miss that girl that was 104 and getting lower lower lower...
I miss myself. I've lost myself. It's the kind of feeling you get when you lose your page in a book, or when you realise the world keeps turning no matter how tired you are. No matter how much you want it to stop for a few minutes, to let you rest.
I miss J. I miss me. I miss being little. I miss seeing colourful things. I miss being a virgin. I miss being at school. I miss being innocent.

I'm scared.
That's not okay.

Wanna taste insanity? Come and take a sip with me. 13:22

Fuck this life.
I'm starting a new one. And I'm gonna be what I feel inside. And I don't CARE who knows what I look like inside, even if it's all dark and warped and strange. I want the inside on the outside and the outside on the inside. I want to FEEL happy-go-lucky. Not look it. Even if that means being a sarcastic, ironic, jealous bitch on the outside.

Fuck me. I wanna be thin. I wanna be thin now.
I'm going back on speed for a while x

If I lose it, will you remind me where we've been? 15:16

Oh, a long day.
College = fine, only double philosophy, english language and psychology..Nothing major.
Then J met me afterwards. Awkward. We got on fine, maybe a little too fine.
He made me kiss him, I felt too bad not to..
It was the first time we'd seen each other since I broke up with him.
I thought he was okay, but evidently he's not.
I'm slightly worried about him. We parted quite badly at about 7ish, and I don't think he went home.
I hope he's okay..
I care about him, I just don't love him anymore. I don't feel love for him anymore, in the pit of my stomach.
I WANT to love him, I just don't, and nothing's going to change that.

In other news, I'm not losing any weight. I sicken myself. There's diet coke in the house now though, so hopefully I'll be drinking more of that and there'll be less eating.
Strange thing is, I don't eat when I'm high, or drunk...only when I'm completely sober. I just can't say no to food. Well I can, but I keep putting it off. Where is the 'no tomorrow' girl from a week ago? What the hell?
I hate myself sometimes. I make myself sick.

Haha. Pun intended.

Somedays aren't yours at all, they come and go just like someone else's days. 14:50

Oh, the joys of alcohol. Drink loads, still feel sober.
I changed my mind, my life isn't so bad.
Also, sarah, I think you can follow me at the top of the page, I'll check it out :)
I must sleep. I need sleep.
No, I need drugs. Drugs that keep me up and stop me eating...

The desperate are water, they'll run down forever. 14:19

Another fruitless day.
I'm starting to hate myself.
My days are empty, my head is full.
And I am no thinner.

I'm one of those people, you know,
the kind that you see in the street and
don't really notice.

I need to get out. 03:32

Ha ha. Fuck me.
I'm pathetic.

Rejecting the idea of tomorrow. 15:12

I am officially rejecting the idea of 'tomorrow'.
I can no longer do anything tomorrow, because it doesn't exist.
Today, I am going to stop eating. Right now. Juice fast, water fast, whatever the fuck I want,
But I no longer want to taste food. I don't want to feel it.
I don't want it in my stomach, or in my mouth, or halfway down my throat.
I want to be empty.
I want to be thin.
I want to be something other than fucking crazy.
I want people to say 'you're thin.' or 'i wish i was thin like you'.
I want to be thin and then I will be happy.
I will finally be SOMETHING.
Not just a 'bit' crazy, or a 'bit' skinny, or a 'bit' strange.
I want to be tiny. I want to be mental. I want to be out of this world.
FUCK OFF TOMORROW. I CANNOT START A DIET TOMORROW BECAUSE YOU DON'T EXIST.
It starts RIGHT now.
Thinner.

What did you just say? 15:33

Did you just say 'we can't all be fat like you'?
Oh right. Thanks friend. You're so kind.
Don't you realise that the time you said I 'don't look anorexic',
Everytime you refer to my appearance, you slowly tip me off the edge?
Go on then. Motivate me. You'll be the closest when I collapse.
Oh, you make me want to show you.
No, I weigh 108 pounds.
You want me to weigh less?
Okay. I can weigh less.
Oh darling, you don't know what you're asking for.
I'll be a walking skeleton before you know it.
Ha ha. I don't care who the fuck you are, you don't fucking dare me.

Darling 14:23

I thought we sorted things out,
But then you put your arm around me.
I thought I was clear, I don't do the 'going out thing'.

Who cares, noone reads here anyway :)
xx

Building blocks.. 09:51

The blinds in my room are now on the floor,
And I have sewn 4 patches of my patchwork quilt together.
I feel lost today. Airy. Not real.

Now I do as I please, and I lie through my teeth. 16:45

What part of me is giving off signals that I want you to be interested?
Sure...I love the attention, who isn't flattered by a guy liking them?!
But come one, lets be serious. It's not going to happen, in a million years,
Most probably because I like your best friend, and have done since the day I met him?

But you see, we're both too cynical to like each other, so I'm content not liking anyone.

Tick Tock 08:34

Where did the time go? 08:31

I'm in my fifth week of college, That's unbelievable. When did I lose those days? I know I lost my weekends to alcoholic parties, but every day seems to rush by and, I hate to admit it, but I'm scared.

I'm really scared.

I had this plan for my life. I was going to go to uni in london, train to be a youthworker and have a family, then be a politician.

I don't think I want that anymore. I'm going to move to New York and be a waitress. Or Saint Petersburg. Somewhere that's not here.

I need to get away...

The kind of place I could fall in love with.
The kind of place I could live in.
The kind of place I could die in.

Uhoh.. 13:19

One of the guys I slept with at the weekend seems to be hinting that he wants something more?
I'm mates with his best friend, and he said he wasn't interested...

Wtf.

Fuck off.

Where I want to be... 10:12

10 Weeks : I want to make my room
something like this..

I want a lover I don't have to love. 09:58

New template :) Like it?!

I've been thinking about myself today...as I'm ill and it's all I can manage...
And what I've come up with is that I'm a BITCH.
 In the beautiful words of Bright Eyes:

"I want a lover I don't have to love"

I've been treated badly by a lot of guys, but it's made me so much stronger.
I've seen more of the world than most people my age, which is scary..
I suppose that's just me though. Wiser than I should be.
If guys treat me badly, I have no respect for them.
I'm cynical, and I'm sure I'll get hurt again sometime, but not for a little while ey?

I'm maintaining weight, want to lose right now. Just want to melt away.

Love xx

So bad! 08:54

Party last night, and a 'get together' on friday night...I'm so bad!
I drank a lot, didn't eat much, smoked some illegal substances.
Slept with two guys....

Yeah, I shouldn't be allowed out :)

Still, it's all calories burnt, I just hope neither of them think there's anything more...

Peace out xx

I'm sorry... 09:24

I died for a little while, I'm sorry..
I started college, me and J broke up, for good this time.
I like? Or liked? a guy at college. He's called J aswell, but a different J. Lets call him A :)
Well yeah, A is nice, we're friends, he's lovely but not interested. I was...I must stop.
And this has sparked something inside me, maybe the reinforcement I needed. I'm not wanted. No matter how I felt with J, noone else wants me now. And it's because I'm fat. I need to be thinner.
So this is me, back again. When things go bad, I revert back to being me.
I'm 5"3.
I'm 7 stone 9, which is 107lbs.
My BMI is 19.
And within the month I want to be underweight
And within the month I will be below 100.

Watch me.

On Holiday! 01:39

Well, it's been a while, but I have a fab new qwerty keyboard phone and I AM ON HOLIDAY IN GREECE!!!! Normally, we go camping someplace without a sun, like Scotland, but it is HOT here! I'm lovin' it!!!

The main reason I've not posted in a little while is because me and J broke up, but then we got back together. I figure it was just a tiff. I said things that I didn't meanN and I guess he must've said stuff he didn't mean...

Anyhow, we're back together now and I love him very much. I miss him a lot x

Something Hurts 17:31

I am empty and I am lonely and I am on the very verge of falling off the top of this cliff I've been on for a year and a month.

Do you ever? 16:41

Do ever wonder what happens once we're too tired to carry on, when our bodies are so worn out from lack of energy that they just give up?

Do you ever wonder what dying feels like?

I do.

Last Night 15:20

Regina. Spektor.

Words can't describe the gig last night. It was....breathtaking. I swear she's better live than she is recorded. I love her, she's amazing. Oh....<3 I want to see her again when she's in a better mood. Their cellist died in a tragic accident in Switzerland, and so she was really upset, and didn't need to do much speaking. I feel so sad for her, but she was still amazing. I hope she's okay soon :(

I love her.

On another note...somewhere between 103 and 104, maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and be deffo 103?! :D

Also, my veins are fucked xD Taking a break from drugs soon....Damn being female and damn having unfindable deep veins. I swear it's what's made me lose 8lbs in what....just over a week? Still, underneath this I'm going to post a big notice:



THIS BLOG IS IN NO WAY PROMOTING THE USE OF ILLEGAL SUBSTANCES, FOR WEIGHT LOSS OR ANY OTHER PURPOSE. THEY ARE ILLEGAL FOR A REASON AND SHOULD BE AVOIDED. THE OWNER OF THIS BLOG TAKES NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE CONSEQUENCES IF A FOLLOWER EXPERIENCES BAD EFFECTS.

Rested 01:40

Ahh, I feel a bit better now :) I was exhausted from two days on the go lol. Hey, guess what.... 104 104 104 104 104 104 104 104 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OHMYFUCKINGGOD!!!!! Never been this low ever....cept when I was littler, coz to get to 8 stone, you must've been 7...anyways.

I am SO happy. This is amazing! I stayed the same weight no matter what I did for so so so long, then THIS! I don't care what's made it happen, whether it's Phet or Chromium supplements or whatever...I'M JUST SO HAPPY!

I would write a proper post, but my head is banging and I feel like death. Sleeeepy. Still hardly eaten anything, in fact I forced myself to eat about 15 mins ago because I thought I might get better soon with some food and some sleep x Night night

Woke up this morning and: 15:09

I lost another pound!! 106! Pretty amazing. I ate very little of my meal last night, not only because I really wasn't hungry, but because it was a massive portion and so filling. It was spaghetti in this lovely pine nut saucey thing, it was so good! I thought I'd put on weight, especially since I didn't weight myself after the party, and I ate then too. But I lost another pound!! I'm so happy with myself! 5 pounds in...a week? Maybe less! That's really good for me. I haven't eaten today, so maybe another pound tomorrow?!

Also, thanks for the happy birthdays and the concern :) I promise to be safe and not to do it often. J is really quite responsible and refuses to let me do anything risky. I'm surprised he's letting me do it in the first place to be honest, but I'm not complaining when it means I don't eat.

What I'd like to know, with a lot of Amphetamine addicts that are also anorexic/ednos....which came first?
It'd be quite interesting I think :)

Off to read some posts!

I don't know how to explain it. 20:36

I thought I tried fet. But this was something so different it's unbelievable. I wish I'd been writing this 12 hours ago, so I could really explain. Seconds after I took it, it hit me. BIG time. I felt a rush to my neck and could taste it and wow. Head change. Completely amazing. I was unable to breathe for about 5 minutes, then J went upstairs for someone to get him. I was on my own in that little room, and (crazily, I'll admit) I started trying to find more fet on the tables and yeah...I went pretty much crazy for a few minutes. Then J came back down and cuddled me and told me to be calm and that this was the best it'll ever get, that it'll never be the same again. I started crying (God knows why...I felt amazing) then we talked for a while before going into his friend's room. That was about half fourish and I took it at four. I had to leave for my birthday party (it's my birthday by the way :)) at about half 5, but I was a bit late home and didn't get there til six. So I got ready reaaaally quickly and then people started arriving. It was amazing. You can't actually explain how it feels. It's like a major buzzing sensation in all of your body, but like...to the max. I barely ate anything all night because I couldn't salivate and it tasted like shit :) That made me happy. I was so elated and happy and all I wanted to do was talk and host and have a good time. And I did!!! The only downfall is that I had 4 people to sleep over, which was great until about 3, but then everyone was falling asleep, 'cept me. Now I'm here, at the other side of the room, buzzing like a little bee. They are all such cute sleepers!! So, I've barely eaten anything yesterday, but on the downside, I'm going out for a meal with my sister and parents tonight. I'm going to enjoy it as best I can though, because I feel good and happy and wonderful and I only turn 16 once. I love my boyfriend. I love my family. I love my friends. I feel like I'm in ecstasy.
More later on, about tennish xxx

What the heck?! 05:00

I've lost another pound! They just seem to be dropping off! I'm at 108 now!!!

I'm so lonely 03:39

He's been away for so long. He gets out, comes to see me and I feel like I'm barely there, invisible. He said he'd call, he always says he'll call and I never mind when he doesn't. But he's never there. We haven't celebrated a single occasion properly yet. I didn't get a card on Valentine's day, or a Christmas Card, or an actual Christmas Present. I didn't get a card or anything, even just a 'happy birthday' on my birthday. He missed our anniversary.
He doesn't appreciate me at all.I celebrated his birthday. Gave him presents on all the right days, and just to surprise him too.
I feel like I don't matter. He has no money and he promised that he wouldn't let my birthday be the same as all those other days. Said he'd make it special. Always saying it'll be different. It never is. Never. I'm so lonely, why can't he see? I used to hide my feelings away from everyone, but I'm being obvious about it. Am I right to be upset? I love him and he's lovely but shouldn't he be making a special effort on those days? I don't think I'm being unreasonable...

Yeah!!!!!! 03:39

109!!!! 109 pounds!!!! 7 stone 11!!!!!!!!!!! 49.6kg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My plateau FINALLY finished, this is the best thing EVER!

Just wondering... 18:26

Am I the only one getting ever so slightly tired of overweight people calling themselves 'Ana'

They don't know what an eating disorder is....

Anorexia isn't a diet you can go on, it's AN ILLNESS.

There was a new person on Tiny-Beauty, saying 'I'm ana, I need to lose weight, I want to be with other sufferers to help support me through this time.' oh yeah and 'I don't want recovery'

She linked to her twitter...stats? height = 5''9...weight = 223lbs....yeah, BMI is 32.9

That's an insult to anorexia sufferers. And I'm not even one of them!!!

It's an insult to EDNOS sufferers...and I am one :P

Anyone like that that comes across my blog...don't follow if you're going to call yourself anorexic at 223lbs, unless you're 7 foot 11....

Jeans, Results, Dickhead boyfriend and Hot Chocolate 17:03

Well, three amazing things happened today, and then J was a dick. I didn't let that ruin my day though!

1. I passed my singing exam with a merit!!1 It was my grade six and it was pretty hard, so I'm so pleased!

2. I fit into my jeans! The ones I bought as a goal. Last time I tried them on, they wouldn't even pull up around my thighs, never mind fasten. Today, I WORE THEM! For hours!!! Now I need a new goal :P

3. I discovered the wonders of low cal hot choc. I added some sweetener and coffee whitener for that extra creamy taste, but altogether it's still about 62 calories!!! Much better than eating a chocolate bar!

Also, a 4 and 5:

4. Onion soup. I'll post the recipe, but it's absolutely divine. I hate onions but I thought I'd try it, and the onions go so, so soft. If you close your eyes, you can imagine that it's soft noodles. It fills you up too, and it's just divine. 33 cals!!!

5. Tumblr. I made myself a tumblr, so If you have one too, please join me! I'll put contact stuff below.

So that's all for today, look forward to reading all your posts :) x

Tumblr

Twitter

Tiny-Beauty - look for vanishing act

By the way, tiny beauty is an amazing site with amazing people, so you should hop over and have a look! x

It hit me.. 11:23

It just hit me, I'm never going to live on my own if I stay with J. I'll never be able to live in a house with no food, and be able to stop eating whenever I want. I'll never have that freedom. It scares me, but I know I'll get by. So long as I'm alive, he doesn't mind. Maybe that's a bad thing, maybe it means he doesn't understand, that he doesn't love me enough. Maybe he knows I'd choose this over him.

Maybe I would?

Just carrying on 04:20

Yesterday wasn't spectacular, but it wasn't terrible either. Today will be good, at least. No food, only coffee and water and herbal tea. J should get home today, hopefully. I need him to. I've never missed him more.

My bones are starting to show more and more. I thought that once my BMI was below 19 then they'd be properly on show, but it's going to be a little more than that. I need to stop plateauing at 111 and 110, and get down. I need to push myself harder, this is what I want.

Party 16:27

Well. Didn't go quite as planned but I had fun!! I turned up with my friends at J's house this afternoon, only to find the key didn't fit the door. I thought I must have picked up the wrong one so I was really mad at myself, then I tried the handle and it opened. Then a woman came into the kitchen (where we were) and asked me who I was, so I asked her who she was and what she was doing in my boyfriends house. Apparently she LIVES there now! J only went to prison on Thursday and that's when she moved in!!! I was pretty mad about it, and I don't even think he knows...I don't know what he's going to do now, but he can't go back into a guest house. It's bad for him.

I've had a little stack or mini pancakes and a slice of pizza all day, plus minor alcohol intake, so all is okay. I miss J though. A lot. Me and my friend are thinking about doing the master cleanse together whilst her dad is away, but I have no idea how to get a bunch of fresh lemons into the house without anyone realising lmao....nevermind...we'll see!

I feel different 20:53

I feel really differently about the world at this moment and I want to document it. I feel like this sometimes, like I truly understand the way the world turns, and that we're never going to understand why it happens but it does. We'll never really know why the world is the way it is, no matter how many bolshy scientists tell us that it 'gravitates around it's own axis' and all that. Sure, that's the technical side, but why. Why are we here? Why are things just as they are? Why are humans the ones that discovered everything, know everything? Everything in nature is attuned to nature. We should be too. I understand some people's desire to know 'why' things happen, but we shouldn't meddle. The earth is beautiful. We need to look after it and actually look AT it once in a while and take a moment out of the day to appreciate what it gives us. Every day is a new day. If we screw up, we can start again, most of the time. We can't go back in time, so we shouldn't. We need to look at nature and start to understand THAT. We're getting too big for our boots. All I want in life is a simple life with a happy family and a decent sized house. I want to be thin and content with myself. I want to wake up and feel happy, and pleased with what I do. I'm in love with the world. I'm in love with a beautiful concoction of sweet words and smells and tastes and sounds and sights. I want to be at one with my home. Right now, I understand that the Earth is the Earth and that it does what it does..because it does. It's so simple, and so many people just look past it. Today is a day of new beginnings, and of living to live.

Peace :) x

Wondering... 17:39

Does anyone have a twitter account for eating disorder things? I just made one, so add me : vanishact :) see ya soon x

Hee hee, naughty stuff 16:06

J got put in prison for a few days, which I'm really not as bothered about as I should be..but anyhow I'm going to have a little get together whilst he's away, because I'm very naughty. It's not like he'll find out. Ooh, I'm excited about it. But yeah, he breached his bail terms or something, like he didn't go to court when he was supposed to, AGAIN, so they've put him in a little prison near York, and hopefully he won't get raped or stabbed lmao. I can't believe he's in prison xD. Nevermind, I'll be there when he gets out, at his probably partied-out flat. It'll be good fun. Unfortunately....ooh I just went all dizzy...unfortunately, I'm really skint at the moment, so where I'll find money for drink and smokes, god only knows. I'll find a way, I always do!!

Eating too much, but trying not to. Tomorrow = no food, or no saturday party!

Lillie x

Hello lovers, 19:14

Sorry to be away and all that again. Busy stuff, J got his own flat :) our little den. it's good there. There's rarely any food in the house, and he eats meat so anything he does get, I can't eat. It's all good. I'm STILL 111 lbs. I just want to get to double figures. I'm desperate. My prom was cool, Everyone looked fab. I wish I had more to say other than that I'm fat. I'm dying to have some good news for once but....it'll get here eventually. Keep going girls!

Lillie x

We do this to ourselves,

push ourselves to some deluded welcoming

in the mirror, where we greet ourselves

with mock acceptance.

As if our minds could agree to stop,

once principal has proved it's worth.

I have watched, as a stranger took over my flesh

and stripped it down, yet I'm still a former shadow.

We test ourselves, test our very limits of humanity,

asking 'at what point do I become ill',

walking the very line between life and living.

They watch us upon our pyres, waiting for us to be whole again,

reunited with our sanity.

What sanity?

What's sanity.

Just do it, Lillie 16:12

Eat less.

Walk more.

Be strong.

Eat less.

Life's Good. 07:52

Life IS good. I've finished school, and only have two days of exams left. I never have to sit through five lessons a day, doing things I don't really want to be doing. I get to choose where I go from here. I have a great family, an amazing boyfriend and wonderful friends. It's Summer and it's warm and sunny. I've got a great [fake] tan (st. moriz, I reallllly recommend it!!) and things are just really going well. All I need now is to get thinner, and I'll be fine.

I got tired of fet, but it was good whilst it lasted. My main problem with it was that once I stopped taking it, the come down was so bad and I felt like I had to eat to make it go away. Thankfully I didn't have too much :)

I'm cutting out my food groups again. I'll make a great new plan and post it up here, and get back in the gym. Money's tight right now, but I'll manage somehow. I feel good, not so much about myself but about what's happening around me. I'm so excited to grow up a little bit and have that little bit more freedom. J is getting off drugs bit by bit, and is getting a flat by the end of the month, pretty much guaranteed. I suppose you could say that most of my worries about him are finally getting sorted, and it's making me so much happier.

So all that's left is to get thinner. I'm 111 pounds, and I'm going to get to 100 before college, hopefully less. In fact, I want to be 105 at least before I go to Corfu in August, just so I can look a little bit acceptable on the beach.

I was wondering, does anyone else have an exceptionally large ribcage? It's one thing that really pisses me off about my body. I can feel that there's still a layer of fat over it, but even when that's gone, it'll be huge. Genetics. Honestly, I hate my family genes sometimes.

Also, how's everyone feeling about the arrival of summer? I know it doesn't 'officially' start until June 21st, but come on, all this hot weather means it's here. I hope for a hot few months!!!

Much love, and really good feelings right now!!

Lily xxx

Thanks :) 14:53

Thanks for your concerns, and again, I'm being really careful. It was sort of a strange feeling and I really liked it. I could feel all my skin and knew what all my insides were doing and it was really something. I had fun :)

It's like being in a secret sect now. I felt really left out, with J doing it and everything, now I have and it's different. Like I've seen something a lot of people haven't. It's quite exciting.

I'm writing a book on this new life I've seen over the past 9 months or so. It's called 'The Other Side' and it's about the lower classes, and their lifestyles. How hard it is for them. It's really interesting to watch those dynamics. I don't know how many of you have seen those same things, but I've seen full on, really chavvy fights, I've almost stood on needles, I've met very hardcore dealers, people who've been in jail for pretty bad things...i watched someone shoot up heroin for the first time today. It's so different to my life with my parents. It's like being dared to try things. The thing is, I like it. It's all new and I'm inquisitive. I'm enjoying myself.

Done 10:23

Okay, first time. It's strange. I feel far away and very present at the same time. I'm definitely not hungry, and that was my aim, right? I like it actually, it's different. I feel a bit relaxed and spaced out, not like I thought I would. It's nice. J said it wasn't the best stuff but that it was good for my first time. I'm proud that I've tried something new, and I'm going to do it for a bit longer. I feel that little bit more experienced. Supposedly I've already tried it, in ecstasy tablets. Well, I'm doing it again tomorrow, wish me luck.

Not eaten at all by the way xx

This may alarm you, 16:19

Right, I'm going to be careful about this. J has recently been taking some fet. I know this is going to sound like a bad idea, but I'm going to try a little bit, and see how it makes me feel. Everyone knows it suppresses your appetite, and I really can't take much more of looking and feeling like this. I'm just trying it, and it's not addictive. If I like it, I'm going to kick start a fast by taking a little bit per day, and seeing how it goes. DO NOT WORRY. I'm definitely not going to get dependant on it. I'm doing this purely because of how fat I feel and how depressed I'm getting about it. Once I've lost a few pounds, I'll come right back off it and fast again. I just need to show my body that it doesn't need food again. I know how bad an idea it sounds, but I promise it'll be okay. I know exactly what I'm doing and while he's shooting it, I'm just swallowing it. I promise to be careful and I'll let you know how it goes.

NOTE: I AM NOT PROMOTING THE USAGE OF AMPHETAMINES TO LOSE WEIGHT. THEY ARE DANGEROUS DRUGS AND PLEASE DON'T TAKE THEM SIMPLY BECAUSE I AM. YOU CAN BECOME PSYCHOLOGICALLY DEPENDANT ON THE FEELINGS THEY CREATE AND CAN BE DIFFICULT TO STOP USING. AMPHETAMINES ARE A CLASS B DRUG IN THE UK AND ONCE PREPARED FOR INJECTION THEY BECOME CLASS A. DO NOT FOLLOW IN MY FOOTSTEPS AS IT IS VERY DANGEROUS AND SHOULD BE USED AT YOUR OWN RISK.

I'm going crazy 21:27

I need to be thin. With or without extra help. If that's what it takes, that's what it takes. I will be thin.

Hello Again 02:47

Hi everyone, I'm sorry I've been gone for so long. It's been a bit stressful with exams and stuff :) I'm taking my GCSEs at the moment so I haven't got all that much time on my hands.

Okay, that was a lie. I do. I'm just doing really badly. I'm going to get back on track with dieting but I've decided I'm not going to slip back into to bad habits, therefore I'm eating at least SOMETHING everyday. Until I realise that won't work :P

Me and J are still together :) It's been 11 months and 5 days now, so we're really looking forward to our year mark! We've just had a bit of a tiff because he did the thing where he disappears for days at a time without calling, but I still love him so now we're all happy.

I'll post later with some foody things. I'm going to try to post often again now mateys!

I am so lonely.

But I'm surrounded by people.

My little sister, my gorgeous little sister took an overdose, so I'm sorry if I'm gone for a little while again. She's okay, but she needs me now.

She needs me.

Rational Now. 02:41

I'm feeling better. Somewhat. I'm going to have one more rant about J then I'm going to try to stop lol. He was on skype this morning, 8.30, I only got to sleep at about 4.30, so I was tired. He barely said anything to me, just 'how dare you speak to me like that' and basically laughed at me for hurting. There's something not right about this relationship now and I can't bear it. I love him so much, but he's turning into one of them. By 'them' I mean like his friends. They don't give a shit about their girlfriends, all they do is drink and smoke weed and play football or listen to music. Its not the drink and drugs and footie and music I'm bothered about. It's the fact that he's just abandoned me for it and I forgot to mention the other day that I've fallen out with L, that horrible friend I had. So as he is the top of the food chain, I'm getting horrible looks from most of the people I considered to be my friends, and this is when I need him most. He just went offline, as if he had never started a conversation. I'm so upset and angry and I've got noone to talk to, no way of talking to him, nothing. I lent him my phone, which was meant to be a short term thing, but he's had it for months now. I don't mind about him having it, it's just he's turned it off, and it's supposed to be my way of talking to him. That's the only reason...

I'm fed up.

Two thirty rolls around, and after a flurry of messages about how worried I was and how much I love him and hoped he was safe, and his only words are: "Piss off woman. You're not awake."

Ouch. Now watch me disappear.

Am I that SHIT a girlfriend? 15:12

Nothing really. For five days. Monday, I had singing, fair enough, didn't really see him. Tuesday, he had a day with his friends. I went out but he barely talked to me. Wednesday, I went to see my granny in hospital. Thursday, I went to see him and he told me to go away. Our ten month anniversary. He barely spoke to me again, until his friend started talking to his girlfriend. Today: I'll see you at lunch, I can't, I'll pick you up from school, actually I'll meet you at the surgery. You know what, I can't come out til 5, no...6. I have to see my social worker. I'll message you at 6, don't worry.

Six o'clock came. Seven pm. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven. Nothing. I hate him. I'm humiliated. I walked around for two hours on my own. I felt like shit. I am shit. I can't find words anymore because words have no use. I am good only for sex.

On the rare occasion that he does want me, I'm busy. I am so fucking upset at the moment that I can't really function when noone else is around. I've been upstairs for five minutes and I'm already CRYING. I'm a fucking waste of space. Don't anyone try and tell me I'm not. I just want to steal my parent's alcohol and drink drink drink. I don't want to think anymore.

He's a fucking nightmare sometimes but I love him too much and I wish I didn't. HE HURTS ME. I WANT TO FUCKING BE THIN. I WANT TO BE THIN.

Down. Down. Black hole. Down. Ten months. Down. Down. No friends. Down. Down. Ache. Hurt. Down.

I've been lax.... 08:51

But I'm back now. I'm like everyone else. I couldn't post about my failures. I've not been doing well, but finding my vitamins again has made me come back. Strange really. I'm sorry for being lazy. It's because I'm too fat.
Back on the straight and narrow and thin. I'm doing this.

I need to talk about something. My 'best friend' L (I've talked about him before) needs to be explained. Maybe I've done this before but I can't remember..

He is nice. Sometimes. But he gets mean. I know we all have friend problems, so I won't rant for too long, but he keeps putting me down. All the time. Calls me fat. Calls me a failure. He does it in front of our other friends and they think he's joking but it doesn't feel like that. He looks straight in my eyes and says it and I know he means it. It hurts more than he can imagine. I know it's true. He blames me for us becoming more distant, saying I started to go off with J, but he started leaving me out of things and hanging out with another of our friends, also called L.. It's his fault I had to spend so much time with J but tbh, I'm glad he did that. It means I don't have to be around him. I'm going to a different college to them solely to get away from L. I can't stand him.

Rant done :) I'll be good at posting again now my loves xx

Pounds 03:57

Losing pounds makes us feel amazing.
Makes us feel light, airy, and wonderful.
But how much is a 'lot' of weight loss?
When the magazine says someone lost 200 pounds, you think... Wow.
That's a lot.
But to lose 200 pounds, you have to weight at least 200 pounds. If not 300.
For us, 1 pound is too little,
4 pounds - too little
10 pounds, 20 pounds - not enough.
When is it too much.

Hello :) 10:37

Wow! Ten followers :) Hello new friends!!
I am feeling a little bit insane today. I felt really low and scary scary depressed at school, crazy crazy happy on the way home and now I just feel empty.

And I am fairly empty. I've had a carrot and an apple, and diet coke and black coffee (which aren't really allowed, but come one, you can't deprive a girl of her caffeine without first cutting it down first.)

I finished my music composition, which is great news :) and also, I am on track for good results on GCSE results day :)

So all is good. I'm going to york tomorrow. I'm not sure what to do about dinner though, because it's likely that J will take me out for a meal, and I'm not supposed to be eating. Shoch shock horror :(

But yeah, mellow. Listening to Bright Eyes. Anyone who hasn't heard Neely O'Hara should :). 'In the morning when you through up water' and 'you're not who you used to be' and 'do you think that someone paints your mirror'. Love <3

Also, poison oak is a great song about losing someone. To suicide, as I interpret. I, thankfully, have never experienced that before. Thank god. But it's a great song.

I had a psych appointment yesterday, which went really well. I'm still not planning on telling her about my eating, but my mother went in and said 'she's lost a lot of weight recently' yeah. No.

That's not even true :)

Might pop to the gym later. I need to get out to have a ciggie anyway :)

Love xx

I'll give you a proper post tonight 00:08

Been hectic, babysitting and exams.
I'm lying. I'm lazy.
Only raw fruit and veggies today.
Easy Peasy.
More soon, I promise you lovelies.

kj 10:01

It's time for me to start counting kj, not kc. :(

Comments. 12:18

I have an aim.
I hate a medium amount today, but it was all shitty calorific food and I feel shit :(
But my aim: I am going to comment on all 17 blog posts that have been posted in the last 18 hours! I don't know why, I just want to. And Rachel, if you would like to email me at lilliecullen@live.co.uk then I'll give you my mobile number :) I'm not topping up till next week but I'd love to text with you then!

Anyway. Although I feel bad, I won't let it get my spirits down. Tommorrow: a full day of fasting. Thursday: A full day of likely fasting, as I'm babysitting my Dad's friend's daughter!

Very Short, Little Post. 08:22

Hey guys, I'm just excited to tell you I've not eaten today!! It's 4.22pm and I'm happy. I've had one diet coke and two herbal teas to keep me giong, but I'm so pleased with myself. It's days like this which are worth living for! I'm going out with J now, I'm just wondering if any of you guys are in the UK, and would you like to text/email/whatever the heck...it's sounds so lovely to have some form of real support!!

Email or comment (pref. comment, I never check my email :P) if you're up for it!

Much love, I'll be on later xxx

Exhausted. 15:04

I am so tired, but I have this new determined energy in me.
The field me and J found together is where I feel happiest for some reason. I don't understand...but out there we don't eat anything. We don't owe anything to anyone.

I love it.

I am renewed. Tomorrow, I fast.

It's all I'm going to have left once he leaves. Just me and an empty field.

Oh :) 16:22

Another great day. We walked through the woods and crossed the river then sat in a secluded farmer's field for hours. about 8 hours actually. It was perfect. It was peaceful. It was wonderful. I ate some bread and a wham bar and an ice pop all day. I am pleased. It was fantastic :)

Things seem to be going well.

By the way, I forgot to mention that I moved my psychiatrist appointment back to next Thursday.

Did I mention I had one in the first place? :/

Night night my lovelies. I'm so happy right now!

And sorry about the lack of commenting on your blogs right now, I've been out all day for a few days so I've been exhausted, but I have been reading!! I'll get back to comments soon <3

Amazing day! 02:36

Yesterday was the most wonderful day.

J took me to Redcar, we spent the day walking down the beach, playing on the amusements and window shopping. He bought me some gorgeous boots and a new phone case (he crack the screen on mine, silly boy) and some chews for the mice we have. It was amazing, and then we came home and sat on my street with my friends who live here too and talked for five hours before I went in.

It was amazing.

I barely ate anything too, today will be even better on that front :)

Appearances 01:12

"You've lost weight," my mum's friend said.

"No." said me.

"Yes you have," she said.

My mum looked sad.

Songs! 12:21

Hello my lovelies, today I'm making a post with a theme! MY intake has been...okay. But that's off topic! Today is all about our favourite thinspo songs! And It'd be nice if you made a post telling everyone your favourite thinspo songs too!!

Top....Ten?

1.) She's Falling Apart - Lisa Loeb.

This is a very popular one, that I heard one day after I'd been in the gym. It's definately directly about an eating disorder lol.

2.) The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot - Brand New

This song was on someone's blog the other day, who's was it? The end bit is especially good..it just makes me think of being alone and how anorexia can wreck relationships.

3.) Eyesore - Maria Mena

Maria Mena is going to feature on this list more than once. This is directly about EDs,

and it's amazing. You can interpret it as a pro-ana or pro-recovery song, but either

way its beautiful.

4.) Cause and Effect - Maria Mena

Exactly the same as above, but with more about her life.

5.) Big Isn't Beautiful - King Adora

Heh heh heh. It's a favourite and very good. Upbeat and therefore gym worthy!

6.) Skinny - Filter

Fantastic song :) makes me get my ass into gear, but also shows the truth about EDs.

7.) Control - Alexisonfire

Control...isn't it what we all want? A song about burdens, lies, and not seeing what we

expect in the mirror.

8.) Lover I Don't Have To Love - Bright Eyes

I don't know why this one is here. It's nothing to do with eating disorders, but it makes

me feel like it is. It's...never being full. It's about missing something in your life.

9.) A Little Easier - Leddra Chapman

Again, not about EDs, but it's about a relationship that could be applied to ED?

10.) Internal Dialogue - Maria Mena

Same as above tbh. It's true for many of us, with cutting and EDs and dysfunctional

relationships....or is that just me :P

And now I have a strange craving for herbal tea....

Hope to see your songs up soon!!

Next week fast. 09:05

Hey guys, and a special hello to my new followers! There's seven of you now, and I'm very pleased!

Thanks for everyone's support for me and J, I suspect he has a personality disorder, and his aunt is schizophrenic, so ....hmm?

I've eaten too much today, but tomorrow and the day after, just fruit. I only heard about the fast that so many of the blogs are follow are doing for the next month or so today, and as I'm on holiday and I think about food so much more, I'm going to start next week. This week can prep me for it, so that next week I can go unnoticed much easily-er!

On the life front --> J almost just got caught in my house! (There's a long story in why he's not allowed round, but it involved me giving him the key when me and my family went away and him getting caught) My dad just came home and thankfully (praise the goddess) I'd locked the door and kept the key in, so noone could get in. I let J out into the back garden and then let my dad in the front door. My dad went upstairs, so I ran round and let J out of the side door!!

Hectic, but pretty fun. We've had an amazing day (teehee) so I'm happy and now I'm going to meet him again. Yoga tonight, and only fruit tomorrow!!

Stay strong gang!! (we get to be a reaaaal gang now! there's eight of us!!)

For j. 10:18

I wrote this, like the other poem. For my J. My wonderful J who is going through so much right now.

It's called Stay.

Inquisitive.

A reason for living.

Ask questions, keep going.

Seek the answers to 'why?'.

You deserve a world. A whole universe.

You are my gravity, allow me to be yours,

Whilst you ponder and search, for a reason.

I need you to stay. You need to go.

I hang around, a purer air.

You breathe me in.

I poison you

With hope.

Together,

We can conquer this.

We can be stronger. Better.

I will protect you, brave one,

From the cruelty of the world.

You. Saviour. Lover.

I am here.

So close.

Stay.

I have broken you. 09:12

I see you, struggling in despair. I have done this to you. I wasn't there when you needed a friend, a family. A stranger.

I have become a monster. I have broken you, used you, then hurt you. What am I?

The one thing 10:17

I thought he'd never, ever do, and he's done it.

And I will stay by him, until he stops hurting like this.

He is depressed. He is depressed.

He has 23 cuts on his arms from one day.

He hates that kind of thing. It's 'pathetic'. It 'shows how weak you are'.

And now he's that weak. I need to help him.

Hero. 07:20

A hero, or a villian,

The crystal ball ain't clear,

You tear me into pieces just

To prove that you've been here.

You're tattooed on on my ego,

You salvaged in my dreams,

The longer that I stay held on,

The less the outcome seems.

I'm just your broken mirror,

Of what you didn't want to see,

You take control and break me up,

And it's how it's always been.

The hero? Or the Villain?

It's that I can't decide,

Is beauty worth it any more than

The monster kept inside?

You both tear me in two,

Then the other picks up the pieces.

They are tearing me up. 02:06

My mother. My 'best friend'. Moy boyfriend.

My 'best friend' (I'll explain the inverted commas another time) is called L. He asked me to go away with him to see his dad about 2 months ago, but never gave me a date or time, and as my mum was in the car I had to say yes, or she'd be upset that I was turning down L for J. So I said yes, then about a week and a half ago, L calls me up and tells me what time our train is TODAY. Well then I panicked, because I had not warning and I knew J would be upset and it's the last weekend I could spend with him before he goes away. I DON'T WANT TO GO. I have an hour and a half before I'm due at the station, and I'm really angry that they've put me in this postition. I don't want to go but my mum will hate me and L will be upset and his dad has paid a lot of money for the tickets, and J will be really angry and upset if I do go. It's too late to change my mind, and now J is threatening just to call it quits because I'm running off with L.

I hate this too much for words. I'll have a shit weekend, and I'm going to regret not staying for the rest of my life.

I hate it.

Pros and Cons 02:43

...of J.

Cons:

1. He tells me I'm worthless

2. He never turns up when he says he will

3. He doesn't listen to how I feel

4. He makes me so angry I can't function

5. He makes me cry almost every day

6. He owes people money.

7. He owes ME money.

8. He isn't in college, or working.

9. He's moving to London

10. He gets angry when I cry. .

11. He complains about walking me home.

Pros:

1. He tells me I'm beautiful

2. He takes me out to amazing places.

3. We have long intellectual conversations

4. He knows so much about so much.

5. He can set up a life for us in London

6. He does the sweetest things sometimes.

7. He's shown me so much.

8. He shows me his vulnerable side sometimes

9. We're still together after 9 months of being told we wouldn't work out.

10. We're still together after each of us cheating on the other.

11. We truly love each other.

So what's more important? The pros or the cons? Because there are the same amount of each. For every bad thing there's a good one. But which count for more. Because making me feel worthless is pretty bad. But having those amazing conversations make me feel the opposite....

I don't know who I am. I don't know who he is. I don't know anything for certain. I said I would fight for him forever, but I never considered that would mean I was fighting him.

I am so lost. I've forgotten why we loved in the first place. But I am still hanging on.

EDIT: I thought of another pro:

12: He's my best friend in the whole world.

That's the one that holds us together. That's the one that makes the scales uneven.

I'm doing it! 03:13

I'm trying out vegan! So far I've had Cheerios and Rice Milk.

Unfortunately I have a small suspiscion that cheerios aren't actually vegan, but they can fuck off. I love cheerios and That is That.

130 cals (abouts)

Yeahhh! Yum Yum. No Sleep.

Hello!! 23:49

Good Morning!

I have had no sleep. It's 07.49 and I'm still awake.

Ah, there's something strange about me.

Crazy? It's likely. 19:50

Hello, I'm going vegan for a month. I've been vegetarian for almost 5 years now, and it's nearly time to take the step up! I'm going to do a month of it, and see if I can handle it...and whether my mum can cook vegan food lmao.

It's ten to four in the morning.

I must be insane to be sat up making diet plans, eh?

xxxx

Lost. 16:23

I've lost my passion for life.

I used to be fun. I used to write songs and poems and stories.

I used to dream of the faraway tree and Mr Darcy.

I used to be fun, longing after picnics and barbeques and bike rides.

All moments that were special, irreplaceable.

Now I can barely get out of bed.

And when I do it's to see one person.

And I'd much rather still be in bed.

I am depressed.

I didn't realise.

I want my passion back. I want to have a 'flare' again, as J put it.

New!! 03:38

A new start for me :)

I have taken up yoga. I love it! There is something wrong with me but I'm addicted and I love it :) I can even do it on the wii fit.

I am doing the ''one food a day diet'. You can pick ANY food in the world, but you can only eat that food for a day. The the next day you choose a different food. The you go back to the first. And the you alternate.

The aim of it is that you get bored of the foods and don't eat much of them by the end of the fortnight, and if you choose really low cal foods then you lose LOTS of weight.

You have to drink lots of water though :)

So today I have chosen carrots :) Yumyumyum

He says. 16:05

He says he loves me.

He says we should talk about everything.

He says I don't try hard enough.

He says he does all the work.

He says he doesn't care anymore.

He says he can't be bothered.

He says he wants out.

He says this all the time. He's never meant it.

It just hurts.

Rewards? 11:19

Okay, I'm feeling a bit more like myself, and I have a bit more time. I hate to admit it but recently I've eben playing a game called Black and White a lot....you get to be a God and go round making villages and stuff.

It's very nerdy, but also very old (like...2001 or something) and I love it so stfu :P

Anyway, Easter is a hard time for many of us and I am no exception. I feel as fat as I've ever been, and terrified that I've gained weight. I'm currently refusing to step on the scales but I might just pluck up the courage...

Also, I have a lump in my neck... Its only very small, but it hurts when I touch it and its quite soft. I think its just a swollen gland from my cold :(

J hasn't gone yet, he thinks it'll probably be sometime next week or maybe even the week after...I'd like it to be as late as possible... I'm gonna miss him so much.

I got another threat from the people who are after him today, but nothing happened s a result of it...again.

I hate people that say they are gonna do something and then don't, but tbh I'm glad that they haven't done anything lol.

I highly doubt they will :)

Anyhow, I love you guys, I'm gonna try and keep on top of commenting and all that jazz!

Much love xxx

EDIT: Oh wow, I forgot to put what the post was actually about. I'm thinking of getting an abs toner machine thingy as a reward when I get to 100. Has anyone got one, and if so, is it any good? xxx

I am sick sick sick of being so confused.

I hate food. It repulses me. It makes me angry and upset and queasy.

Food and me do not get on. So why do I keep shovelling it down?

This must stop. I am scared of eating until I look at it. It is like conquering a fear, until afterwards, when I realize what I have done.

Can mindful eating be used backwards? To make me stop?

And topamax. I am thinking of getting some prescribed. I can say I have migraines often, and perhaps I will be given some. Yum yum. Does it really work? xx

There are two types of people in this world... 13:49

The crazy

And the not crazy.

I'm still trying to find out which I fit into. I'm going to do a fast. A cleanse. A diet.

Anything to make this pain of being abandoned go away.

He shouldn't be leaving me.

Still Here.. 13:26

I'm still here, I'm hovering. I've been reading your blogs but not posting my own.

My head feels empty

My stomach feels full

And my mind is floating.

I need some sleep.

Good Day, mostly :) 16:15

I have had a good day. I stayed under my cal goal, I had a lovely day with my boyfriend..the only bad thing was my cold :)

It was nice and sunny, although there was a chilly wind which made our picnic speed up slightly :P

I keep sneezing :( But I've been feeling so ill that I haven't eaten that much, so I'm pleased!

It's far to late to be up now, so I'm going to sleep very very soon :)

Hope everyone's okay xxx

Easter Holidays!! 02:20

Well, here in the UK, it's the first day of my Easter Holidays! Two Weeks and Two Days long. I am very excited, and I got a lie in today :)

Unfortunately, I can feel hunger pangs. Fortunately, I like them :)

I am going to eat today, but no more than 500 cals :)

I'm treating myself!

I'm going to see J soon (I just hopped out of the shower and I'm in no fit state to walk the streets!) and hopefully we'll cuddle and kiss and talk about things that aren't him going away.

There's a new surge of hope in me today. We can stay together. I can be strong. And I will be thin :)

Love you all!! xxx

Ps. About that chicken noodle soup? I'm a vegetarian, are there other kinds that are low calorie in the shop? xxx

Moving away :( 13:18

J is moving away, for good this time. We are going to try and stay together, but whether it will work or not, I don't know. I need to stay strong right now. xx

Feeling Guilty 02:55

Hello, I'm feeling really guilty right now about lying to my boyfriend :( I don't want to stop blogging and doing all of my eating disordered habits, but I don't want to lose him either. It worries me a lot. He was very supportive, but I think he wants me to get better and I'm just not ready for that yet. Maybe in a few years time, but not now. I can't imagine every going into recovery actually.

Anyway, I'm still quite ill, but feeling better and I'm back at school. I'm seeing J in an hour, and I can't wait :) I do love him, but this has taken up so much of my life and I can't stop now. Maybe if I can just taste thinness, I'll get betterer after that...

Ahh :( I can see this isn't going to work. If I loved him enough I'd give up this craziness. But If I loved being thin enough I'd give up him.

I can't do either :(

Well, we'll just see how it goes. Love you guys xxx

Wowwww!!! 18:22

Oh wow! I love my new template. I know that's bigheaded but its half two in the morning, I'm exhausted, and I just spent all night trying to find one I like. How in the world am I going to get up in the morning now?

Ahh, nevermind :) At least I've done something productive!

Hello Everyone, 16:51

Slight explanation, I've sent you all an email saying why the heck I've deleted my old blog and made a new one, but basically I gave my boyfriend the blog address and then freaked out and deleted it. He know now the extent of my madness, but anyway, follow this one instead, and I'm sorry for the hassle!

Today ended up being awful, and I feel terrible. I'm still ill, although I'm going to school tomorrow, and I ate so much, seeing as I didn't want my boyfriend to think I was TOO bad. Anyhow, sorry again for the craziness, but please keep following :) It's nice to have someone to talk to!

Lil xx