Tuesday, 23 November 2010

all okay, nearly better.
still 109, but i think it'll go down tomorrow, pretty quickly actually :)
Well, we'll see

Sunday, 21 November 2010

back down to 109 :)


Right guys, I have a little confession to make...i was IVing fet on friday.
Somethings kinda gone wrong, I think...I'm gonna try and explain but I feel really disorientated and wrong.
I missed my vein a couple of times, well I did once and J did the other, and my arms started tingling after that, which is pretty normal...but now they've swollen up with fluid (only a little bit!!) which i can feel going up and down my arms when i move about..
I'm incredibly dizzy and disorientated, and i'm trying to work out whats wrong with me by using the internet...
I did go to the 'urgent care centre' in bishop auckland yesterday, but at the time my arms had drained and there wasn't really much to prove what was wrong. He said that nothing was wrong, but I'm very sure there is, I feel absolutely awful, like I could faint or worse at any second. I'm going to A&E tomorrow after college, hopefully they'll be able to find out what's wrong with me. I definately don't want my parents finding out, it'll only worry them and disappoint them..

On an eating note, I've just had a little bit of food (bag of wotsits, couple of veggie scotch eggs and a breakaway bar) and I had a small fruit salad at lunchtimeish to try and make me feel better. I had a 'quasimodo' yesterday (tortilla thingy, it has a proper name, that's just what my family call it)...Have yet to weigh myself but hopefully have lost a bit :)

More soon, hope I stay alive!

Thursday, 18 November 2010

i feel so sad. it makes me want to cry.i feel like crying. i feel surreal.what the fuck is fucking wrong with me.


I'm a failure. I want to die.

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

best way to put you off food for life? watching people squeeze the pus out of abcesses on youtube.
i don't know how i even got to those videos..
all i know is i won't be eating today..

Monday, 15 November 2010

Ooh, I'm so sad right now :(

One of my little pet mice died, about half an hour ago or so :( he had a big tumour, and it started bleeding on sunday...he was going to go to the vets tomorrow morning but he just didn't make it, and died all curled up in a ball. He looked so snug in his bedding :(
I'll never forget how he used to climb out of the old cage through the bars and go on his little mouse wheel for ages in the night, but always go back in afterwards. Or the time he ran away out of the big castle cage and then came back because he was hungry.
We used to call him adventure mouse, because he would jump from hand to hand when me and J held him.
He ran away once or twice or maybe even more than that, and my whole family chased the two of them around the front room..
I'm going to miss my little mouse. Pegs was his name, we called the two boys Pegs and Paul, and the girlie (who died about 2 months ago) Pens, all of them were after league of gentlemen characters of some sort.
RIP Pegs and Pens xxxx

tired and weary.

I've been reading poetry all day, some phrases are too beautiful..
I'm weighed down.
With college work, and with fat, and with awful thoughts.
I want to be thin, my dears. I want to be very, very thin.
I want to disappear now. Words can't express how much. I want to get away from it all.
Oh :(

throw it up, throw it all up

i feel so tired these days.
eat, purge, sleep.

Sunday, 14 November 2010

i'm dying to feel something...

Hello. My name is Lily.
I don't know who I really am.
Hope that's okay.

I don't know whats wrong at the moment, I get this every time each year, where I feel wrong and weird...
I feel fat. I want to lose weight and can't. And at 7 stone something, I'm thinner than most, my bmi is 20 at the most these days, normally around 19.1 or so...but I hate it. I want to be thinner. I want to be less than 100lbs, I want my bmi to be 16. I want to feel proud of myself.

I don't think I'm good at anything, except maybe sex. I don't get guys, I don't get amazing grades, I can't drink a lot, I don't take drugs very often, i don't do anything exciting....I don't achieve anything.

Vinushka, the titles of my posts are just lyrics :P Chemicals do mean drugs, and I'm careful when I do them :P also, I don't know if I want him or the way it was...I can se eus being in a healthy relationship, but I'm just not happy. I was at his tonight and I just didn't feel in love.Sex is just sex. Kissing is just kissing. It doesn't mean EVERYTHING to me, the way it does to him...I feel lost.

I've been throwing up a lot lately. Making myself, that it. I'm tired.

Oh God, make me okay. I want to be the quirky kind of normal. The kind of person people aspire to be.

Thursday, 11 November 2010

Where is the kid with the chemicals? I thought he said to meet him here but I'm not sure...

I am alone.
I feel trapped.
I can't see myself crawling out of this hole I dig.
I don't want him.
But I do want him,
But maybe I just want to feel wanted.
Or maybe I'm dying to keep wanting?

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Made myself sick to get a day off.

I need a little rest, there's too much with work and college and friends and J and my family..
It's nice to have a lie down. Nice to forget about things for a while.
I ate a lot, then threw it up. This morning I had some water and then threw it up.

Tuesday, 9 November 2010


I was talking to my mum about how I'd been feeling really thirsty lately, and she said I might have diabetes, as a joke,
but I looked up the symptoms and I have like....every single one of them really, even weight loss to some extent :S

Not really sure what to do...do you think it's worth going to the doctors? I probably don't have it but I've worried myself a bit now lol.

I suppose leaving it wouldn't be so bad, if I die, I die?
When it rains here, it pours.
I'm back with J, so there's some good news.
My stomach hurts so much because I've eaten tomato soup and a sandwich.
And some bacon flavoured discos.
I'm fasting tomorrow, I won't let myself down.

Might try some 2468s for a while. but add a '0'.
I've never really believed these 'ana' diets, but it's worth a try, I suppose..

Saturday, 6 November 2010

i feel awful. he puts me down, all the time. everything i say is 'ridiculous'. everyone i know isn't worth knowing and my whole existence doesn't matter.
those 2 boys, my 'friends'? reinforce everything bad i've ever known about men.

Thursday, 4 November 2010

What is wrong :/

Can't I just be perfect?
I think I'd really like to be perfect.
Let me just lose 30lbs.
Let me.

Wednesday, 3 November 2010


i'm sitting in the common room at college, and I've just realised how alone I really feel... I've lost all of my good friends when I came here and now qe, and I havent got anyone I feel close to here. I feel really bad at the moment...I dont know what to do...

Tuesday, 2 November 2010


You confuse me.
You give me reason to believe you like me.
And the way you look at me implies you might do.
And the way you act with me tells me you could do.

But then I see another girl on your knee,
You act the same with someone else, it's not just me.
And that's enough of a reason not to ask you.

I guess I'll have to make do.