Tuesday, 26 October 2010

I am losing my mind...

I am lost. I wander round empty rooms with walls made of cardboard.
The people are mirrors, the reflect things I hate about myself.
About the human race.
I curl up in a ball, and wish my life away. I am tiptoed round,
noone dares disturb the sleeping monster.
Then the sound returns. The music comes back.
I find myself.

Sunday, 24 October 2010

This is reality, I call it insanity.

What does it feel like to fall in love again?
It's been so long that I can't remember. I've been trapped inside the bones of decaying relationships for too long.

Friday, 22 October 2010


I'm stuck. I wake up, get dressed, go out, do college, go to work, do work, go home, do my homework, go to sleep, get up, get dressed, go out, do college, go to work, do work, go home, do my homework, go to sleep....
and then there's an occasional party that i sleep with people at in order to feel wanted.

The only time I MIGHT get some time to myself, over the half term, has been taken away from me. I can't describe how angry I am. I thought I might get to do ONE nice thing, like go to York with my friend or just go into town shopping, but I just won't have time.

There's never any time to think straight anymore, I just have 200 things on my mind at all times and can't stay on one thing long enough to sort it.

I hate this.

Thursday, 21 October 2010

it was the afternoon of extravagant delight...

I want to stop eating.
Please stop me eating.
Dear Lily, stop eating.

i am tired so fucking exhausted so very very anxious and crazy my mind doesn't stop and my heart beats faster by the hour i know what i need to do i know i don't need help doing it but i want the help that i know exists that stops me eating and makes me happy makes me so fucking happy i want to be thin and i want to be dead all at the same time my friends think i'm okay but inside i'm screaming for help i need to be thinner i need to be thinner i need to be thinner just let me be thinner just please i need this like i need to breathe and if i don't get thin soon i don't think i can keep going

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Being Nostalgic

I'm so scared of getting older, I've realised. I feel rushed, like there's too much pressure on me to decide things, even though it's only me putting pressure on myself...I feel like everything around me is going too fast and I just can't get out. It's so soon since last autumn, and everything's just disappearing into the back of my head. I've been at college for 7 weeks now, I think and it's gone too fast. I've only just started college. I can't be 7 weeks in, it's wrong. You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you go in a lift, or on a rollacoaster? It feels like that. Like the world is spinning too quickly and I'm moving in slow motion. I can't explain it. The words are in my head but they come out all wrong. Why can't I be the person I see myself as inside my mind? Why can't my life be picturesque and quasi-perfect? I need some stability. I need reliability. I need my mind to be clearer, instead of having 200 thoughts in there at once.


Personality disorder test...

Took a personality disorder test, and it's obviously not reliable, and I came up as the following:

I didn't accept any of them, but Histrionic sounds too much like me...

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

Dizzy. Fuckin stoned.

There's no speed about this week. I need my OWN FUCKIN DEALER.


I like autumn. It's got an urgency to it, like it's dying to get somewhere, or stuck and wriggling to get out.
I like the freezing wind and the way it conjures a whirl of dead leaves around me.
It makes me feel real for a moment.

Monday, 18 October 2010

I was thinking.

And reading.
Reading my old blog posts. I miss myself. I miss that girl that was 104 and getting lower lower lower...
I miss myself. I've lost myself. It's the kind of feeling you get when you lose your page in a book, or when you realise the world keeps turning no matter how tired you are. No matter how much you want it to stop for a few minutes, to let you rest.
I miss J. I miss me. I miss being little. I miss seeing colourful things. I miss being a virgin. I miss being at school. I miss being innocent.

I'm scared.
That's not okay.

Wanna taste insanity? Come and take a sip with me.

Fuck this life.
I'm starting a new one. And I'm gonna be what I feel inside. And I don't CARE who knows what I look like inside, even if it's all dark and warped and strange. I want the inside on the outside and the outside on the inside. I want to FEEL happy-go-lucky. Not look it. Even if that means being a sarcastic, ironic, jealous bitch on the outside.

Fuck me. I wanna be thin. I wanna be thin now.
I'm going back on speed for a while x

Thursday, 14 October 2010

If I lose it, will you remind me where we've been?

Oh, a long day.
College = fine, only double philosophy, english language and psychology..Nothing major.
Then J met me afterwards. Awkward. We got on fine, maybe a little too fine.
He made me kiss him, I felt too bad not to..
It was the first time we'd seen each other since I broke up with him.
I thought he was okay, but evidently he's not.
I'm slightly worried about him. We parted quite badly at about 7ish, and I don't think he went home.
I hope he's okay..
I care about him, I just don't love him anymore. I don't feel love for him anymore, in the pit of my stomach.
I WANT to love him, I just don't, and nothing's going to change that.

In other news, I'm not losing any weight. I sicken myself. There's diet coke in the house now though, so hopefully I'll be drinking more of that and there'll be less eating.
Strange thing is, I don't eat when I'm high, or drunk...only when I'm completely sober. I just can't say no to food. Well I can, but I keep putting it off. Where is the 'no tomorrow' girl from a week ago? What the hell?
I hate myself sometimes. I make myself sick.

Haha. Pun intended.

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

Somedays aren't yours at all, they come and go just like someone else's days.

Oh, the joys of alcohol. Drink loads, still feel sober.
I changed my mind, my life isn't so bad.
Also, sarah, I think you can follow me at the top of the page, I'll check it out :)
I must sleep. I need sleep.
No, I need drugs. Drugs that keep me up and stop me eating...

Monday, 11 October 2010

The desperate are water, they'll run down forever.

Another fruitless day.
I'm starting to hate myself.
My days are empty, my head is full.
And I am no thinner.
I'm one of those people, you know,
the kind that you see in the street and
don't really notice.
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I need to get out.

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Sunday, 10 October 2010

Ha ha. Fuck me.
I'm pathetic.

Saturday, 9 October 2010

Rejecting the idea of tomorrow.

I am officially rejecting the idea of 'tomorrow'.
I can no longer do anything tomorrow, because it doesn't exist.
Today, I am going to stop eating. Right now. Juice fast, water fast, whatever the fuck I want,
But I no longer want to taste food. I don't want to feel it.
I don't want it in my stomach, or in my mouth, or halfway down my throat.
I want to be empty.
I want to be thin.
I want to be something other than fucking crazy.
I want people to say 'you're thin.' or 'i wish i was thin like you'.
I want to be thin and then I will be happy.
I will finally be SOMETHING.
Not just a 'bit' crazy, or a 'bit' skinny, or a 'bit' strange.
I want to be tiny. I want to be mental. I want to be out of this world.
It starts RIGHT now.

Friday, 8 October 2010

What did you just say?

Did you just say 'we can't all be fat like you'?
Oh right. Thanks friend. You're so kind.
Don't you realise that the time you said I 'don't look anorexic',
Everytime you refer to my appearance, you slowly tip me off the edge?
Go on then. Motivate me. You'll be the closest when I collapse.
Oh, you make me want to show you.
No, I weigh 108 pounds.
You want me to weigh less?
Okay. I can weigh less.
Oh darling, you don't know what you're asking for.
I'll be a walking skeleton before you know it.
Ha ha. I don't care who the fuck you are, you don't fucking dare me.

Thursday, 7 October 2010


I thought we sorted things out,
But then you put your arm around me.
I thought I was clear, I don't do the 'going out thing'.

Who cares, noone reads here anyway :)

Wednesday, 6 October 2010

Building blocks..

The blinds in my room are now on the floor,
And I have sewn 4 patches of my patchwork quilt together.
I feel lost today. Airy. Not real.

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Now I do as I please, and I lie through my teeth.

What part of me is giving off signals that I want you to be interested?
Sure...I love the attention, who isn't flattered by a guy liking them?!
But come one, lets be serious. It's not going to happen, in a million years,
Most probably because I like your best friend, and have done since the day I met him?

But you see, we're both too cynical to like each other, so I'm content not liking anyone.

Tick Tock

Where did the time go?

I'm in my fifth week of college, That's unbelievable. When did I lose those days? I know I lost my weekends to alcoholic parties, but every day seems to rush by and, I hate to admit it, but I'm scared.

I'm really scared.

I had this plan for my life. I was going to go to uni in london, train to be a youthworker and have a family, then be a politician.

I don't think I want that anymore. I'm going to move to New York and be a waitress. Or Saint Petersburg. Somewhere that's not here.

I need to get away...

Monday, 4 October 2010

The kind of place I could fall in love with.
The kind of place I could live in.
The kind of place I could die in.
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One of the guys I slept with at the weekend seems to be hinting that he wants something more?
I'm mates with his best friend, and he said he wasn't interested...


Fuck off.

Where I want to be...

10 Weeks : I want to make my room
something like this..
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I want a lover I don't have to love.

New template :) Like it?!

I've been thinking about myself today...as I'm ill and it's all I can manage...
And what I've come up with is that I'm a BITCH.
 In the beautiful words of Bright Eyes:
"I want a lover I don't have to love"
I've been treated badly by a lot of guys, but it's made me so much stronger.
I've seen more of the world than most people my age, which is scary..
I suppose that's just me though. Wiser than I should be.
If guys treat me badly, I have no respect for them.
I'm cynical, and I'm sure I'll get hurt again sometime, but not for a little while ey?

I'm maintaining weight, want to lose right now. Just want to melt away.

Love xx

Sunday, 3 October 2010

So bad!

Party last night, and a 'get together' on friday night...I'm so bad!
I drank a lot, didn't eat much, smoked some illegal substances.
Slept with two guys....

Yeah, I shouldn't be allowed out :)

Still, it's all calories burnt, I just hope neither of them think there's anything more...

Peace out xx