tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79165505845614469772024-02-20T12:08:29.742-08:00We Are Losing Our Mindsvanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.comBlogger131125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7916550584561446977.post-70367962172797238692013-05-28T13:28:00.000-07:002013-05-28T13:29:02.768-07:00good eveningIt's been years.<br />
LITERALLY.<br />
I'm a uni student now. I finished my first year today.<br />
I've just read through all my old posts, it's crazy to think how obsessed I was with all my Js, actually it's a little scary.<br />
I still smoke too much, I drink FAR too much...I just came out of another short but intense relationship with a guy at uni...not another J, thank god. It hit me pretty hard to be honest, but I'm going to be just fine.<br />
I have to move out in a week and a half or so, really can't be bothered with the hassle. At least I get a nice student house out of it at the end...seriously, I look over the SEA. The fucking SEA is my back garden...pretty cool :)<br />
I don't actually think I've changed all that much since I was last here. There's less of an emphasis on food in my life, though the feelings of not wanting to eat are still kind of prominent at times...I'm much more of a drinker now, I had to see a substance misuse team for a while actually.<br />
Anyhow, I might post here a little bit more when I have problems, I mean..that's what this place was for, at least for me. I have myself a new student blog too, which I might share with you at some point, but we'll see.<br />
It looks like a graveyard around here. No-one's posted for a long time.<br />
I'm not all that surprised, it was all too dramatic to last long :)<br />
<br />
Love xxvanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7916550584561446977.post-28142505698140959672011-09-23T18:19:00.001-07:002011-09-23T18:19:35.953-07:00Let's be honest.I'm just not that honest.vanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7916550584561446977.post-59862330488551770182011-09-22T01:17:00.001-07:002011-09-22T01:17:46.050-07:00<br />
That effortlessness, the easiness? I want that perfection.<br />
And yeah, there are flaws in every one of us, but sometimes<br />
the flaws are the perfection in you, and I want that. The<br />
perfect flaw, it couldn't have been any other flaw because it<br />
makes you, like a need to drink tea, or a hole in your tights.<br />
Perfection is so very, very beautiful.<br />
vanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7916550584561446977.post-41861996355179994322011-09-14T14:57:00.001-07:002011-09-14T14:57:20.568-07:00Wow, you're lucky...two in a day :)Tried to eat scrambled egg before, but I threw it up. Almost had pasta, but just said no. I feel like I can't eat anything at the moment...I'm just not in the mood. Or, I want to eat, but I just can't, that's really what it feels like. It's lovely :)<br />
<br />
115, going dooooown.<br />
<br />
Lily xxvanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7916550584561446977.post-50868863715397434542011-09-14T09:37:00.000-07:002011-09-14T09:37:22.477-07:00I've lost 5 pounds in 5 days...3 days on a liquid fast :D VERY happy indeed. Just another 25 to go until I'm at my GW of 90 :Dvanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7916550584561446977.post-82170311229152756362011-09-09T18:06:00.001-07:002011-09-09T18:06:34.213-07:00I don't feel like eatingI don't want to eat anymore. Is that okay with you?<br />
I want to stop and be thin for my boyfriend. I want to be thin for my own mind. It's broken.<br />
It's time to be thin, ladies and gentlemen, so let the fun begin.vanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7916550584561446977.post-56222770318345661622011-08-27T05:55:00.001-07:002011-08-27T05:55:16.603-07:00I loved a boy,<br />
With a golden glow and<br />
A broken soul.vanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7916550584561446977.post-56854884652548677632011-07-12T17:35:00.001-07:002011-07-12T17:35:51.432-07:00Summer diet has startedSORRY! you know why...<br />
I am :/<br />
<br />
Anyway, summer diet has started...let's drop 10 pounds before Corfuuuu!!!!<br />
<br />
Loves,<br />
<br />
vanishactvanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7916550584561446977.post-7922808604174261112011-06-19T10:49:00.000-07:002011-06-19T10:49:05.139-07:00Long TimeExams done..writing a massive essay for a psychology competition at Cambridge...fun stuff...<br />
Exhausted. Trying to keep up with everything else, run down, tired.<br />
Concerned about J. My J, new J. JG. We don't really talk, we just....live.<br />
And keep living. If something happens, we don't talk, we just live and keep going.<br />
Got big decisions to make. Which uni, which course, which town.<br />
What job, what house, what life? How many children and what type of dog.<br />
Seems too much for a 16 year old.<br />
They want me to pick a uni when I can't even legally drink, or place a bet.<br />
Well I'm gambling with my life aren't I? I need something to wash it down with.<br />
And J, well, I love him.<br />
But not enough, because it's never enough.<br />
And I'm always running to someone else.vanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7916550584561446977.post-26567038734426924032011-03-22T15:57:00.001-07:002011-03-22T15:57:43.780-07:00So!<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"></span><br />
<h3 class="post-title entry-title" style="color: black; font-family: 'trebuchet ms', sans-serif; font-size: 22px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.4em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0.25em; padding-bottom: 4px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 22px;">It's been a little while!! I'm generally okay, stressed out from college a little, it seems like there's so much to do before the June exams (which, for the record, should be called MAY exams...). I'm struggling with my weight, which seems to be a regular thing if I'm honest, especially when I get a new boyfriend (he's lovely....another J.....ummm....pattern? Lets call him JG this time :|)</span></h3><div class="post-body entry-content" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.6em; margin-bottom: 30px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">Everything seems to be going so fast...I feel like I've lost the friends I talked to on here a bit, need to start commenting back to people more!!!! I can't remember if I told you about my other blog, that discusses general issues, nothing about EDs or mental health on there though..... it's<a href="http://www.toujoursbienthoughts.blogspot.com/" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; color: #4f4c4b; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-decoration: none;">toujoursbienthoughts</a> if anyone's interested?<br />
So yes, that's the brief update, hope everyone's okay, I'll try and catch up with blogs soon!!!!<br />
<br />
Lily xx</div>vanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7916550584561446977.post-41651226929061859342011-03-16T14:06:00.001-07:002011-03-16T14:06:57.915-07:00Haven't got longI'm on the train up from London, only 15 mins of free wifi. Been to an English language conference, then shopping, eaten 5 or 6 maryland cookies, and a tiny salad thing from pizza express, good. So tired, I was up at 6 this morning... Make me thinner, pretty please. Xxx<br /><br /><br /><br />Lily x<br />vanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7916550584561446977.post-87573273219266657992011-03-15T09:42:00.003-07:002011-03-15T09:42:23.696-07:00Eat lessI've been so stupid, eating normally. I thought I'd be fine, healthy even...<br />
But I'm not. I'm fat. Fatter than I've ever been. at 117lbs this morning...I know. Disgusting.<br />
I'm disgusting. I want to stop. Please, someone help me. I want to stop.<br />
I'm going to be thin, okay?vanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7916550584561446977.post-45060645803420589692011-03-12T12:26:00.001-08:002011-03-12T12:26:06.388-08:00PurgeI threw up for the first time in a long time today, and it felt good. I just wanted to keep going, till all the fat inside me was out. I'm losing myself again, and I don't seem to mind...<br /><br /><br />Lily x<br />vanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7916550584561446977.post-90093266291932433262011-03-06T14:39:00.001-08:002011-03-06T14:39:35.768-08:00Dear BlogHow I've missed you. I have a new blog now too, but old blog, I love you most. You are where I am, really, inside. You are where I'm honest, rather than intelligent.<br />
<br />
Hello again, wonder if there's anyone left?<br />
Let me know xxxvanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7916550584561446977.post-16009092941250264652011-01-30T15:02:00.000-08:002011-01-30T15:02:01.791-08:00Isn't it funny?These days are pleasant. They take my mind of what I know is under my skin somewhere, hiding, waiting to come out again when I get to the best point of my life.<div>I can almost taste it.</div><div>I've missed this, being allowed to be crazy, or you know, just honest? I've missed writing to you.</div><div>Whoever you are, when all I see is silence.</div><div>I'm sorry for clogging your blogrolls, I don't think I'll be home for a while again. Lets say goodbye and go on with life, as if we never spoke.</div><div>As if we never existed. It happens all the time, a blogger disappears, and noone asks why.</div><div>Or maybe they disappeared because noone ever asks why.</div><div>Mmmm. I have a whole life, I know my illness won't disappear. But I can hide it again. I have a new chance.</div><div><br />
</div><div>I don't believe in 'well'. Get better, tell everyone you know with an eating disorder: 'get better'</div><div>There's no such things as well, it's always there now.</div><div><br />
</div><div>It's been lovely to have you in my life for a while, I'm happy. I'm happy with an ED, it's okay. I have a lovely boyfriend now.</div><div>Have a good time, I'm sure I'll be back one day :) xx</div><div><br />
</div><div>Lillie</div>vanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7916550584561446977.post-4496182265232512372010-12-19T05:24:00.000-08:002010-12-19T05:24:48.040-08:00Where have I been?Well, nearly xmas, very excited. Getting an A is psychology, makes me pleased..<br />
Me and J broke up and I'm seeing a guy...lets call him JM :) he's lovely.<br />
The whole fluid in arms thing? I was experiencing amphetamine psychosis...scary stuff guys!! I don't take ti too often, but sometimes. I'm getting some as an xmas gift off J :P<br />
<br />
Have made lots of new friends at my college, I'm happy about that. Also, there's an anorexic girl there, she seems so timid and shy. I want to talk to her...but what is there to say? I look fairly averaged sized, you'd never know I use drugs to stop eating and throw up/restrict....i'm average but on the skinny side, i suppose.<br />
Hate to say that, I know you don't believe me. You think I'm fat too :/<br />
<br />
Hopefully be hearing more from me x<br />
Much love!vanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7916550584561446977.post-27137605390891146032010-11-23T04:24:00.000-08:002010-11-23T04:24:28.452-08:00all okay, nearly better.<br />
still 109, but i think it'll go down tomorrow, pretty quickly actually :)<br />
Well, we'll see<br />
xxvanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7916550584561446977.post-76398373783702230142010-11-21T13:06:00.001-08:002010-11-21T13:06:17.469-08:00back down to 109 :)vanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7916550584561446977.post-14165082325783597802010-11-21T12:51:00.000-08:002010-11-21T12:51:30.772-08:00Death?Right guys, I have a little confession to make...i was IVing fet on friday.<br />
Somethings kinda gone wrong, I think...I'm gonna try and explain but I feel really disorientated and wrong.<br />
I missed my vein a couple of times, well I did once and J did the other, and my arms started tingling after that, which is pretty normal...but now they've swollen up with fluid (only a little bit!!) which i can feel going up and down my arms when i move about..<br />
I'm incredibly dizzy and disorientated, and i'm trying to work out whats wrong with me by using the internet...<br />
I did go to the 'urgent care centre' in bishop auckland yesterday, but at the time my arms had drained and there wasn't really much to prove what was wrong. He said that nothing was wrong, but I'm very sure there is, I feel absolutely awful, like I could faint or worse at any second. I'm going to A&E tomorrow after college, hopefully they'll be able to find out what's wrong with me. I definately don't want my parents finding out, it'll only worry them and disappoint them..<br />
<br />
On an eating note, I've just had a little bit of food (bag of wotsits, couple of veggie scotch eggs and a breakaway bar) and I had a small fruit salad at lunchtimeish to try and make me feel better. I had a 'quasimodo' yesterday (tortilla thingy, it has a proper name, that's just what my family call it)...Have yet to weigh myself but hopefully have lost a bit :)<br />
<br />
More soon, hope I stay alive!vanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7916550584561446977.post-91087445115598420052010-11-18T13:46:00.001-08:002010-11-18T13:46:52.859-08:00i feel so sad. it makes me want to cry.i feel like crying. i feel surreal.what the fuck is fucking wrong with me.vanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7916550584561446977.post-5217803571249756662010-11-18T11:39:00.001-08:002010-11-18T11:39:05.883-08:00fuck.115.<br />
I'm a failure. I want to die.vanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7916550584561446977.post-65788270840999028892010-11-16T09:40:00.001-08:002010-11-16T09:40:29.872-08:00best way to put you off food for life? watching people squeeze the pus out of abcesses on youtube.<br />
i don't know how i even got to those videos..<br />
all i know is i won't be eating today..vanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7916550584561446977.post-7792844040338194392010-11-15T15:08:00.000-08:002010-11-15T15:08:12.835-08:00Ooh, I'm so sad right now :(One of my little pet mice died, about half an hour ago or so :( he had a big tumour, and it started bleeding on sunday...he was going to go to the vets tomorrow morning but he just didn't make it, and died all curled up in a ball. He looked so snug in his bedding :(<br />
I'll never forget how he used to climb out of the old cage through the bars and go on his little mouse wheel for ages in the night, but always go back in afterwards. Or the time he ran away out of the big castle cage and then came back because he was hungry.<br />
We used to call him adventure mouse, because he would jump from hand to hand when me and J held him.<br />
He ran away once or twice or maybe even more than that, and my whole family chased the two of them around the front room..<br />
I'm going to miss my little mouse. Pegs was his name, we called the two boys Pegs and Paul, and the girlie (who died about 2 months ago) Pens, all of them were after league of gentlemen characters of some sort.<br />
:(<br />
RIP Pegs and Pens xxxxvanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7916550584561446977.post-4678917608566937312010-11-15T12:12:00.000-08:002010-11-15T12:12:34.327-08:00tired and weary.I've been reading poetry all day, some phrases are too beautiful..<br />
I'm weighed down.<br />
With college work, and with fat, and with awful thoughts.<br />
I want to be thin, my dears. I want to be very, very thin. <br />
I want to disappear now. Words can't express how much. I want to get away from it all.<br />
Oh :(vanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7916550584561446977.post-32428283131177219912010-11-15T09:46:00.001-08:002010-11-15T09:46:16.620-08:00throw it up, throw it all upman.<br />
i feel so tired these days.<br />
eat, purge, sleep.vanishingacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18247056165810400852noreply@blogger.com0