Tuesday, 27 July 2010

Something Hurts

I am empty and I am lonely and I am on the very verge of falling off the top of this cliff I've been on for a year and a month.

Monday, 26 July 2010

Do you ever?

Do ever wonder what happens once we're too tired to carry on, when our bodies are so worn out from lack of energy that they just give up?

Do you ever wonder what dying feels like?

I do.

Thursday, 22 July 2010

Last Night

Regina. Spektor.

Words can't describe the gig last night. It was....breathtaking. I swear she's better live than she is recorded. I love her, she's amazing. Oh....<3 I want to see her again when she's in a better mood. Their cellist died in a tragic accident in Switzerland, and so she was really upset, and didn't need to do much speaking. I feel so sad for her, but she was still amazing. I hope she's okay soon :(

I love her.

On another note...somewhere between 103 and 104, maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and be deffo 103?! :D

Also, my veins are fucked xD Taking a break from drugs soon....Damn being female and damn having unfindable deep veins. I swear it's what's made me lose 8lbs in what....just over a week? Still, underneath this I'm going to post a big notice:


Wednesday, 21 July 2010


Ahh, I feel a bit better now :) I was exhausted from two days on the go lol. Hey, guess what.... 104 104 104 104 104 104 104 104 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OHMYFUCKINGGOD!!!!! Never been this low ever....cept when I was littler, coz to get to 8 stone, you must've been 7...anyways.

I am SO happy. This is amazing! I stayed the same weight no matter what I did for so so so long, then THIS! I don't care what's made it happen, whether it's Phet or Chromium supplements or whatever...I'M JUST SO HAPPY!

Tuesday, 20 July 2010

I would write a proper post, but my head is banging and I feel like death. Sleeeepy. Still hardly eaten anything, in fact I forced myself to eat about 15 mins ago because I thought I might get better soon with some food and some sleep x Night night

Monday, 19 July 2010

Woke up this morning and:

I lost another pound!! 106! Pretty amazing. I ate very little of my meal last night, not only because I really wasn't hungry, but because it was a massive portion and so filling. It was spaghetti in this lovely pine nut saucey thing, it was so good! I thought I'd put on weight, especially since I didn't weight myself after the party, and I ate then too. But I lost another pound!! I'm so happy with myself! 5 pounds in...a week? Maybe less! That's really good for me. I haven't eaten today, so maybe another pound tomorrow?!

Also, thanks for the happy birthdays and the concern :) I promise to be safe and not to do it often. J is really quite responsible and refuses to let me do anything risky. I'm surprised he's letting me do it in the first place to be honest, but I'm not complaining when it means I don't eat.

What I'd like to know, with a lot of Amphetamine addicts that are also anorexic/ednos....which came first?
It'd be quite interesting I think :)

Off to read some posts!

Saturday, 17 July 2010

I don't know how to explain it.

I thought I tried fet. But this was something so different it's unbelievable. I wish I'd been writing this 12 hours ago, so I could really explain. Seconds after I took it, it hit me. BIG time. I felt a rush to my neck and could taste it and wow. Head change. Completely amazing. I was unable to breathe for about 5 minutes, then J went upstairs for someone to get him. I was on my own in that little room, and (crazily, I'll admit) I started trying to find more fet on the tables and yeah...I went pretty much crazy for a few minutes. Then J came back down and cuddled me and told me to be calm and that this was the best it'll ever get, that it'll never be the same again. I started crying (God knows why...I felt amazing) then we talked for a while before going into his friend's room. That was about half fourish and I took it at four. I had to leave for my birthday party (it's my birthday by the way :)) at about half 5, but I was a bit late home and didn't get there til six. So I got ready reaaaally quickly and then people started arriving. It was amazing. You can't actually explain how it feels. It's like a major buzzing sensation in all of your body, but like...to the max. I barely ate anything all night because I couldn't salivate and it tasted like shit :) That made me happy. I was so elated and happy and all I wanted to do was talk and host and have a good time. And I did!!! The only downfall is that I had 4 people to sleep over, which was great until about 3, but then everyone was falling asleep, 'cept me. Now I'm here, at the other side of the room, buzzing like a little bee. They are all such cute sleepers!! So, I've barely eaten anything yesterday, but on the downside, I'm going out for a meal with my sister and parents tonight. I'm going to enjoy it as best I can though, because I feel good and happy and wonderful and I only turn 16 once. I love my boyfriend. I love my family. I love my friends. I feel like I'm in ecstasy.
More later on, about tennish xxx

Friday, 16 July 2010

What the heck?!

I've lost another pound! They just seem to be dropping off! I'm at 108 now!!!

Thursday, 15 July 2010

I'm so lonely

He's been away for so long. He gets out, comes to see me and I feel like I'm barely there, invisible. He said he'd call, he always says he'll call and I never mind when he doesn't. But he's never there. We haven't celebrated a single occasion properly yet. I didn't get a card on Valentine's day, or a Christmas Card, or an actual Christmas Present. I didn't get a card or anything, even just a 'happy birthday' on my birthday. He missed our anniversary.
He doesn't appreciate me at all.I celebrated his birthday. Gave him presents on all the right days, and just to surprise him too.
I feel like I don't matter. He has no money and he promised that he wouldn't let my birthday be the same as all those other days. Said he'd make it special. Always saying it'll be different. It never is. Never. I'm so lonely, why can't he see? I used to hide my feelings away from everyone, but I'm being obvious about it. Am I right to be upset? I love him and he's lovely but shouldn't he be making a special effort on those days? I don't think I'm being unreasonable...


109!!!! 109 pounds!!!! 7 stone 11!!!!!!!!!!! 49.6kg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My plateau FINALLY finished, this is the best thing EVER!

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

Just wondering...

Am I the only one getting ever so slightly tired of overweight people calling themselves 'Ana'

They don't know what an eating disorder is....

Anorexia isn't a diet you can go on, it's AN ILLNESS.

There was a new person on Tiny-Beauty, saying 'I'm ana, I need to lose weight, I want to be with other sufferers to help support me through this time.' oh yeah and 'I don't want recovery'

She linked to her twitter...stats? height = 5''9...weight = 223lbs....yeah, BMI is 32.9

That's an insult to anorexia sufferers. And I'm not even one of them!!!

It's an insult to EDNOS sufferers...and I am one :P

Anyone like that that comes across my blog...don't follow if you're going to call yourself anorexic at 223lbs, unless you're 7 foot 11....

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Jeans, Results, Dickhead boyfriend and Hot Chocolate

Well, three amazing things happened today, and then J was a dick. I didn't let that ruin my day though!

1. I passed my singing exam with a merit!!1 It was my grade six and it was pretty hard, so I'm so pleased!

2. I fit into my jeans! The ones I bought as a goal. Last time I tried them on, they wouldn't even pull up around my thighs, never mind fasten. Today, I WORE THEM! For hours!!! Now I need a new goal :P

3. I discovered the wonders of low cal hot choc. I added some sweetener and coffee whitener for that extra creamy taste, but altogether it's still about 62 calories!!! Much better than eating a chocolate bar!

Also, a 4 and 5:

4. Onion soup. I'll post the recipe, but it's absolutely divine. I hate onions but I thought I'd try it, and the onions go so, so soft. If you close your eyes, you can imagine that it's soft noodles. It fills you up too, and it's just divine. 33 cals!!!

5. Tumblr. I made myself a tumblr, so If you have one too, please join me! I'll put contact stuff below.

So that's all for today, look forward to reading all your posts :) x

Tiny-Beauty - look for vanishing act

By the way, tiny beauty is an amazing site with amazing people, so you should hop over and have a look! x

Monday, 12 July 2010

It hit me..

It just hit me, I'm never going to live on my own if I stay with J. I'll never be able to live in a house with no food, and be able to stop eating whenever I want. I'll never have that freedom. It scares me, but I know I'll get by. So long as I'm alive, he doesn't mind. Maybe that's a bad thing, maybe it means he doesn't understand, that he doesn't love me enough. Maybe he knows I'd choose this over him.

Maybe I would?

Just carrying on

Yesterday wasn't spectacular, but it wasn't terrible either. Today will be good, at least. No food, only coffee and water and herbal tea. J should get home today, hopefully. I need him to. I've never missed him more.

My bones are starting to show more and more. I thought that once my BMI was below 19 then they'd be properly on show, but it's going to be a little more than that. I need to stop plateauing at 111 and 110, and get down. I need to push myself harder, this is what I want.

Saturday, 10 July 2010


Well. Didn't go quite as planned but I had fun!! I turned up with my friends at J's house this afternoon, only to find the key didn't fit the door. I thought I must have picked up the wrong one so I was really mad at myself, then I tried the handle and it opened. Then a woman came into the kitchen (where we were) and asked me who I was, so I asked her who she was and what she was doing in my boyfriends house. Apparently she LIVES there now! J only went to prison on Thursday and that's when she moved in!!! I was pretty mad about it, and I don't even think he knows...I don't know what he's going to do now, but he can't go back into a guest house. It's bad for him.

I've had a little stack or mini pancakes and a slice of pizza all day, plus minor alcohol intake, so all is okay. I miss J though. A lot. Me and my friend are thinking about doing the master cleanse together whilst her dad is away, but I have no idea how to get a bunch of fresh lemons into the house without anyone realising lmao....nevermind...we'll see!

Thursday, 8 July 2010

I feel different

I feel really differently about the world at this moment and I want to document it. I feel like this sometimes, like I truly understand the way the world turns, and that we're never going to understand why it happens but it does. We'll never really know why the world is the way it is, no matter how many bolshy scientists tell us that it 'gravitates around it's own axis' and all that. Sure, that's the technical side, but why. Why are we here? Why are things just as they are? Why are humans the ones that discovered everything, know everything? Everything in nature is attuned to nature. We should be too. I understand some people's desire to know 'why' things happen, but we shouldn't meddle. The earth is beautiful. We need to look after it and actually look AT it once in a while and take a moment out of the day to appreciate what it gives us. Every day is a new day. If we screw up, we can start again, most of the time. We can't go back in time, so we shouldn't. We need to look at nature and start to understand THAT. We're getting too big for our boots. All I want in life is a simple life with a happy family and a decent sized house. I want to be thin and content with myself. I want to wake up and feel happy, and pleased with what I do. I'm in love with the world. I'm in love with a beautiful concoction of sweet words and smells and tastes and sounds and sights. I want to be at one with my home. Right now, I understand that the Earth is the Earth and that it does what it does..because it does. It's so simple, and so many people just look past it. Today is a day of new beginnings, and of living to live.

Peace :) x


Does anyone have a twitter account for eating disorder things? I just made one, so add me : vanishact :) see ya soon x

Hee hee, naughty stuff

J got put in prison for a few days, which I'm really not as bothered about as I should be..but anyhow I'm going to have a little get together whilst he's away, because I'm very naughty. It's not like he'll find out. Ooh, I'm excited about it. But yeah, he breached his bail terms or something, like he didn't go to court when he was supposed to, AGAIN, so they've put him in a little prison near York, and hopefully he won't get raped or stabbed lmao. I can't believe he's in prison xD. Nevermind, I'll be there when he gets out, at his probably partied-out flat. It'll be good fun. Unfortunately....ooh I just went all dizzy...unfortunately, I'm really skint at the moment, so where I'll find money for drink and smokes, god only knows. I'll find a way, I always do!!

Eating too much, but trying not to. Tomorrow = no food, or no saturday party!

Lillie x

Tuesday, 6 July 2010

Hello lovers,

Sorry to be away and all that again. Busy stuff, J got his own flat :) our little den. it's good there. There's rarely any food in the house, and he eats meat so anything he does get, I can't eat. It's all good. I'm STILL 111 lbs. I just want to get to double figures. I'm desperate. My prom was cool, Everyone looked fab. I wish I had more to say other than that I'm fat. I'm dying to have some good news for once but....it'll get here eventually. Keep going girls!
Lillie x

Monday, 5 July 2010

We do this to ourselves,
push ourselves to some deluded welcoming
in the mirror, where we greet ourselves
with mock acceptance.
As if our minds could agree to stop,
once principal has proved it's worth.
I have watched, as a stranger took over my flesh
and stripped it down, yet I'm still a former shadow.
We test ourselves, test our very limits of humanity,
asking 'at what point do I become ill',
walking the very line between life and living.
They watch us upon our pyres, waiting for us to be whole again,
reunited with our sanity.
What sanity?
What's sanity.