Two thirty rolls around, and after a flurry of messages about how worried I was and how much I love him and hoped he was safe, and his only words are: "Piss off woman. You're not awake."

Ouch. Now watch me disappear.

Am I that SHIT a girlfriend? 15:12

Nothing really. For five days. Monday, I had singing, fair enough, didn't really see him. Tuesday, he had a day with his friends. I went out but he barely talked to me. Wednesday, I went to see my granny in hospital. Thursday, I went to see him and he told me to go away. Our ten month anniversary. He barely spoke to me again, until his friend started talking to his girlfriend. Today: I'll see you at lunch, I can't, I'll pick you up from school, actually I'll meet you at the surgery. You know what, I can't come out til 5, no...6. I have to see my social worker. I'll message you at 6, don't worry.

Six o'clock came. Seven pm. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven. Nothing. I hate him. I'm humiliated. I walked around for two hours on my own. I felt like shit. I am shit. I can't find words anymore because words have no use. I am good only for sex.

On the rare occasion that he does want me, I'm busy. I am so fucking upset at the moment that I can't really function when noone else is around. I've been upstairs for five minutes and I'm already CRYING. I'm a fucking waste of space. Don't anyone try and tell me I'm not. I just want to steal my parent's alcohol and drink drink drink. I don't want to think anymore.

He's a fucking nightmare sometimes but I love him too much and I wish I didn't. HE HURTS ME. I WANT TO FUCKING BE THIN. I WANT TO BE THIN.

Down. Down. Black hole. Down. Ten months. Down. Down. No friends. Down. Down. Ache. Hurt. Down.

I've been lax.... 08:51

But I'm back now. I'm like everyone else. I couldn't post about my failures. I've not been doing well, but finding my vitamins again has made me come back. Strange really. I'm sorry for being lazy. It's because I'm too fat.
Back on the straight and narrow and thin. I'm doing this.

I need to talk about something. My 'best friend' L (I've talked about him before) needs to be explained. Maybe I've done this before but I can't remember..

He is nice. Sometimes. But he gets mean. I know we all have friend problems, so I won't rant for too long, but he keeps putting me down. All the time. Calls me fat. Calls me a failure. He does it in front of our other friends and they think he's joking but it doesn't feel like that. He looks straight in my eyes and says it and I know he means it. It hurts more than he can imagine. I know it's true. He blames me for us becoming more distant, saying I started to go off with J, but he started leaving me out of things and hanging out with another of our friends, also called L.. It's his fault I had to spend so much time with J but tbh, I'm glad he did that. It means I don't have to be around him. I'm going to a different college to them solely to get away from L. I can't stand him.

Rant done :) I'll be good at posting again now my loves xx

Pounds 03:57

Losing pounds makes us feel amazing.
Makes us feel light, airy, and wonderful.
But how much is a 'lot' of weight loss?
When the magazine says someone lost 200 pounds, you think... Wow.
That's a lot.
But to lose 200 pounds, you have to weight at least 200 pounds. If not 300.
For us, 1 pound is too little,
4 pounds - too little
10 pounds, 20 pounds - not enough.
When is it too much.

Hello :) 10:37

Wow! Ten followers :) Hello new friends!!
I am feeling a little bit insane today. I felt really low and scary scary depressed at school, crazy crazy happy on the way home and now I just feel empty.

And I am fairly empty. I've had a carrot and an apple, and diet coke and black coffee (which aren't really allowed, but come one, you can't deprive a girl of her caffeine without first cutting it down first.)

I finished my music composition, which is great news :) and also, I am on track for good results on GCSE results day :)

So all is good. I'm going to york tomorrow. I'm not sure what to do about dinner though, because it's likely that J will take me out for a meal, and I'm not supposed to be eating. Shoch shock horror :(

But yeah, mellow. Listening to Bright Eyes. Anyone who hasn't heard Neely O'Hara should :). 'In the morning when you through up water' and 'you're not who you used to be' and 'do you think that someone paints your mirror'. Love <3

Also, poison oak is a great song about losing someone. To suicide, as I interpret. I, thankfully, have never experienced that before. Thank god. But it's a great song.

I had a psych appointment yesterday, which went really well. I'm still not planning on telling her about my eating, but my mother went in and said 'she's lost a lot of weight recently' yeah. No.

That's not even true :)

Might pop to the gym later. I need to get out to have a ciggie anyway :)

Love xx

I'll give you a proper post tonight 00:08

Been hectic, babysitting and exams.
I'm lying. I'm lazy.
Only raw fruit and veggies today.
Easy Peasy.
More soon, I promise you lovelies.

kj 10:01

It's time for me to start counting kj, not kc. :(

Comments. 12:18

I have an aim.
I hate a medium amount today, but it was all shitty calorific food and I feel shit :(
But my aim: I am going to comment on all 17 blog posts that have been posted in the last 18 hours! I don't know why, I just want to. And Rachel, if you would like to email me at lilliecullen@live.co.uk then I'll give you my mobile number :) I'm not topping up till next week but I'd love to text with you then!

Anyway. Although I feel bad, I won't let it get my spirits down. Tommorrow: a full day of fasting. Thursday: A full day of likely fasting, as I'm babysitting my Dad's friend's daughter!

Very Short, Little Post. 08:22

Hey guys, I'm just excited to tell you I've not eaten today!! It's 4.22pm and I'm happy. I've had one diet coke and two herbal teas to keep me giong, but I'm so pleased with myself. It's days like this which are worth living for! I'm going out with J now, I'm just wondering if any of you guys are in the UK, and would you like to text/email/whatever the heck...it's sounds so lovely to have some form of real support!!

Email or comment (pref. comment, I never check my email :P) if you're up for it!

Much love, I'll be on later xxx

Exhausted. 15:04

I am so tired, but I have this new determined energy in me.
The field me and J found together is where I feel happiest for some reason. I don't understand...but out there we don't eat anything. We don't owe anything to anyone.

I love it.

I am renewed. Tomorrow, I fast.

It's all I'm going to have left once he leaves. Just me and an empty field.

Oh :) 16:22

Another great day. We walked through the woods and crossed the river then sat in a secluded farmer's field for hours. about 8 hours actually. It was perfect. It was peaceful. It was wonderful. I ate some bread and a wham bar and an ice pop all day. I am pleased. It was fantastic :)

Things seem to be going well.

By the way, I forgot to mention that I moved my psychiatrist appointment back to next Thursday.

Did I mention I had one in the first place? :/

Night night my lovelies. I'm so happy right now!

And sorry about the lack of commenting on your blogs right now, I've been out all day for a few days so I've been exhausted, but I have been reading!! I'll get back to comments soon <3

Amazing day! 02:36

Yesterday was the most wonderful day.

J took me to Redcar, we spent the day walking down the beach, playing on the amusements and window shopping. He bought me some gorgeous boots and a new phone case (he crack the screen on mine, silly boy) and some chews for the mice we have. It was amazing, and then we came home and sat on my street with my friends who live here too and talked for five hours before I went in.

It was amazing.

I barely ate anything too, today will be even better on that front :)

Appearances 01:12

"You've lost weight," my mum's friend said.

"No." said me.

"Yes you have," she said.

My mum looked sad.

Songs! 12:21

Hello my lovelies, today I'm making a post with a theme! MY intake has been...okay. But that's off topic! Today is all about our favourite thinspo songs! And It'd be nice if you made a post telling everyone your favourite thinspo songs too!!

Top....Ten?

1.) She's Falling Apart - Lisa Loeb.

This is a very popular one, that I heard one day after I'd been in the gym. It's definately directly about an eating disorder lol.

2.) The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot - Brand New

This song was on someone's blog the other day, who's was it? The end bit is especially good..it just makes me think of being alone and how anorexia can wreck relationships.

3.) Eyesore - Maria Mena

Maria Mena is going to feature on this list more than once. This is directly about EDs,

and it's amazing. You can interpret it as a pro-ana or pro-recovery song, but either

way its beautiful.

4.) Cause and Effect - Maria Mena

Exactly the same as above, but with more about her life.

5.) Big Isn't Beautiful - King Adora

Heh heh heh. It's a favourite and very good. Upbeat and therefore gym worthy!

6.) Skinny - Filter

Fantastic song :) makes me get my ass into gear, but also shows the truth about EDs.

7.) Control - Alexisonfire

Control...isn't it what we all want? A song about burdens, lies, and not seeing what we

expect in the mirror.

8.) Lover I Don't Have To Love - Bright Eyes

I don't know why this one is here. It's nothing to do with eating disorders, but it makes

me feel like it is. It's...never being full. It's about missing something in your life.

9.) A Little Easier - Leddra Chapman

Again, not about EDs, but it's about a relationship that could be applied to ED?

10.) Internal Dialogue - Maria Mena

Same as above tbh. It's true for many of us, with cutting and EDs and dysfunctional

relationships....or is that just me :P

And now I have a strange craving for herbal tea....

Hope to see your songs up soon!!

Next week fast. 09:05

Hey guys, and a special hello to my new followers! There's seven of you now, and I'm very pleased!

Thanks for everyone's support for me and J, I suspect he has a personality disorder, and his aunt is schizophrenic, so ....hmm?

I've eaten too much today, but tomorrow and the day after, just fruit. I only heard about the fast that so many of the blogs are follow are doing for the next month or so today, and as I'm on holiday and I think about food so much more, I'm going to start next week. This week can prep me for it, so that next week I can go unnoticed much easily-er!

On the life front --> J almost just got caught in my house! (There's a long story in why he's not allowed round, but it involved me giving him the key when me and my family went away and him getting caught) My dad just came home and thankfully (praise the goddess) I'd locked the door and kept the key in, so noone could get in. I let J out into the back garden and then let my dad in the front door. My dad went upstairs, so I ran round and let J out of the side door!!

Hectic, but pretty fun. We've had an amazing day (teehee) so I'm happy and now I'm going to meet him again. Yoga tonight, and only fruit tomorrow!!

Stay strong gang!! (we get to be a reaaaal gang now! there's eight of us!!)

For j. 10:18

I wrote this, like the other poem. For my J. My wonderful J who is going through so much right now.

It's called Stay.

Inquisitive.

A reason for living.

Ask questions, keep going.

Seek the answers to 'why?'.

You deserve a world. A whole universe.

You are my gravity, allow me to be yours,

Whilst you ponder and search, for a reason.

I need you to stay. You need to go.

I hang around, a purer air.

You breathe me in.

I poison you

With hope.

Together,

We can conquer this.

We can be stronger. Better.

I will protect you, brave one,

From the cruelty of the world.

You. Saviour. Lover.

I am here.

So close.

Stay.

I have broken you. 09:12

I see you, struggling in despair. I have done this to you. I wasn't there when you needed a friend, a family. A stranger.

I have become a monster. I have broken you, used you, then hurt you. What am I?

The one thing 10:17

I thought he'd never, ever do, and he's done it.

And I will stay by him, until he stops hurting like this.

He is depressed. He is depressed.

He has 23 cuts on his arms from one day.

He hates that kind of thing. It's 'pathetic'. It 'shows how weak you are'.

And now he's that weak. I need to help him.

Hero. 07:20

A hero, or a villian,

The crystal ball ain't clear,

You tear me into pieces just

To prove that you've been here.

You're tattooed on on my ego,

You salvaged in my dreams,

The longer that I stay held on,

The less the outcome seems.

I'm just your broken mirror,

Of what you didn't want to see,

You take control and break me up,

And it's how it's always been.

The hero? Or the Villain?

It's that I can't decide,

Is beauty worth it any more than

The monster kept inside?

You both tear me in two,

Then the other picks up the pieces.

They are tearing me up. 02:06

My mother. My 'best friend'. Moy boyfriend.

My 'best friend' (I'll explain the inverted commas another time) is called L. He asked me to go away with him to see his dad about 2 months ago, but never gave me a date or time, and as my mum was in the car I had to say yes, or she'd be upset that I was turning down L for J. So I said yes, then about a week and a half ago, L calls me up and tells me what time our train is TODAY. Well then I panicked, because I had not warning and I knew J would be upset and it's the last weekend I could spend with him before he goes away. I DON'T WANT TO GO. I have an hour and a half before I'm due at the station, and I'm really angry that they've put me in this postition. I don't want to go but my mum will hate me and L will be upset and his dad has paid a lot of money for the tickets, and J will be really angry and upset if I do go. It's too late to change my mind, and now J is threatening just to call it quits because I'm running off with L.

I hate this too much for words. I'll have a shit weekend, and I'm going to regret not staying for the rest of my life.

I hate it.

Pros and Cons 02:43

...of J.

Cons:

1. He tells me I'm worthless

2. He never turns up when he says he will

3. He doesn't listen to how I feel

4. He makes me so angry I can't function

5. He makes me cry almost every day

6. He owes people money.

7. He owes ME money.

8. He isn't in college, or working.

9. He's moving to London

10. He gets angry when I cry. .

11. He complains about walking me home.

Pros:

1. He tells me I'm beautiful

2. He takes me out to amazing places.

3. We have long intellectual conversations

4. He knows so much about so much.

5. He can set up a life for us in London

6. He does the sweetest things sometimes.

7. He's shown me so much.

8. He shows me his vulnerable side sometimes

9. We're still together after 9 months of being told we wouldn't work out.

10. We're still together after each of us cheating on the other.

11. We truly love each other.

So what's more important? The pros or the cons? Because there are the same amount of each. For every bad thing there's a good one. But which count for more. Because making me feel worthless is pretty bad. But having those amazing conversations make me feel the opposite....

I don't know who I am. I don't know who he is. I don't know anything for certain. I said I would fight for him forever, but I never considered that would mean I was fighting him.

I am so lost. I've forgotten why we loved in the first place. But I am still hanging on.

EDIT: I thought of another pro:

12: He's my best friend in the whole world.

That's the one that holds us together. That's the one that makes the scales uneven.

I'm doing it! 03:13

I'm trying out vegan! So far I've had Cheerios and Rice Milk.

Unfortunately I have a small suspiscion that cheerios aren't actually vegan, but they can fuck off. I love cheerios and That is That.

130 cals (abouts)

Yeahhh! Yum Yum. No Sleep.

Hello!! 23:49

Good Morning!

I have had no sleep. It's 07.49 and I'm still awake.

Ah, there's something strange about me.

Crazy? It's likely. 19:50

Hello, I'm going vegan for a month. I've been vegetarian for almost 5 years now, and it's nearly time to take the step up! I'm going to do a month of it, and see if I can handle it...and whether my mum can cook vegan food lmao.

It's ten to four in the morning.

I must be insane to be sat up making diet plans, eh?

xxxx

Lost. 16:23

I've lost my passion for life.

I used to be fun. I used to write songs and poems and stories.

I used to dream of the faraway tree and Mr Darcy.

I used to be fun, longing after picnics and barbeques and bike rides.

All moments that were special, irreplaceable.

Now I can barely get out of bed.

And when I do it's to see one person.

And I'd much rather still be in bed.

I am depressed.

I didn't realise.

I want my passion back. I want to have a 'flare' again, as J put it.

New!! 03:38

A new start for me :)

I have taken up yoga. I love it! There is something wrong with me but I'm addicted and I love it :) I can even do it on the wii fit.

I am doing the ''one food a day diet'. You can pick ANY food in the world, but you can only eat that food for a day. The the next day you choose a different food. The you go back to the first. And the you alternate.

The aim of it is that you get bored of the foods and don't eat much of them by the end of the fortnight, and if you choose really low cal foods then you lose LOTS of weight.

You have to drink lots of water though :)

So today I have chosen carrots :) Yumyumyum

He says. 16:05

He says he loves me.

He says we should talk about everything.

He says I don't try hard enough.

He says he does all the work.

He says he doesn't care anymore.

He says he can't be bothered.

He says he wants out.

He says this all the time. He's never meant it.

It just hurts.

Rewards? 11:19

Okay, I'm feeling a bit more like myself, and I have a bit more time. I hate to admit it but recently I've eben playing a game called Black and White a lot....you get to be a God and go round making villages and stuff.

It's very nerdy, but also very old (like...2001 or something) and I love it so stfu :P

Anyway, Easter is a hard time for many of us and I am no exception. I feel as fat as I've ever been, and terrified that I've gained weight. I'm currently refusing to step on the scales but I might just pluck up the courage...

Also, I have a lump in my neck... Its only very small, but it hurts when I touch it and its quite soft. I think its just a swollen gland from my cold :(

J hasn't gone yet, he thinks it'll probably be sometime next week or maybe even the week after...I'd like it to be as late as possible... I'm gonna miss him so much.

I got another threat from the people who are after him today, but nothing happened s a result of it...again.

I hate people that say they are gonna do something and then don't, but tbh I'm glad that they haven't done anything lol.

I highly doubt they will :)

Anyhow, I love you guys, I'm gonna try and keep on top of commenting and all that jazz!

Much love xxx

EDIT: Oh wow, I forgot to put what the post was actually about. I'm thinking of getting an abs toner machine thingy as a reward when I get to 100. Has anyone got one, and if so, is it any good? xxx

I am sick sick sick of being so confused.

I hate food. It repulses me. It makes me angry and upset and queasy.

Food and me do not get on. So why do I keep shovelling it down?

This must stop. I am scared of eating until I look at it. It is like conquering a fear, until afterwards, when I realize what I have done.

Can mindful eating be used backwards? To make me stop?

And topamax. I am thinking of getting some prescribed. I can say I have migraines often, and perhaps I will be given some. Yum yum. Does it really work? xx

There are two types of people in this world... 13:49

The crazy

And the not crazy.

I'm still trying to find out which I fit into. I'm going to do a fast. A cleanse. A diet.

Anything to make this pain of being abandoned go away.

He shouldn't be leaving me.

Still Here.. 13:26

I'm still here, I'm hovering. I've been reading your blogs but not posting my own.

My head feels empty

My stomach feels full

And my mind is floating.

I need some sleep.

Good Day, mostly :) 16:15

I have had a good day. I stayed under my cal goal, I had a lovely day with my boyfriend..the only bad thing was my cold :)

It was nice and sunny, although there was a chilly wind which made our picnic speed up slightly :P

I keep sneezing :( But I've been feeling so ill that I haven't eaten that much, so I'm pleased!

It's far to late to be up now, so I'm going to sleep very very soon :)

Hope everyone's okay xxx

Easter Holidays!! 02:20

Well, here in the UK, it's the first day of my Easter Holidays! Two Weeks and Two Days long. I am very excited, and I got a lie in today :)

Unfortunately, I can feel hunger pangs. Fortunately, I like them :)

I am going to eat today, but no more than 500 cals :)

I'm treating myself!

I'm going to see J soon (I just hopped out of the shower and I'm in no fit state to walk the streets!) and hopefully we'll cuddle and kiss and talk about things that aren't him going away.

There's a new surge of hope in me today. We can stay together. I can be strong. And I will be thin :)

Love you all!! xxx

Ps. About that chicken noodle soup? I'm a vegetarian, are there other kinds that are low calorie in the shop? xxx