Isn't it funny? 15:02

These days are pleasant. They take my mind of what I know is under my skin somewhere, hiding, waiting to come out again when I get to the best point of my life.

I can almost taste it.

I've missed this, being allowed to be crazy, or you know, just honest? I've missed writing to you.

Whoever you are, when all I see is silence.

I'm sorry for clogging your blogrolls, I don't think I'll be home for a while again. Lets say goodbye and go on with life, as if we never spoke.

As if we never existed. It happens all the time, a blogger disappears, and noone asks why.

Or maybe they disappeared because noone ever asks why.

Mmmm. I have a whole life, I know my illness won't disappear. But I can hide it again. I have a new chance.

I don't believe in 'well'. Get better, tell everyone you know with an eating disorder: 'get better'

There's no such things as well, it's always there now.

It's been lovely to have you in my life for a while, I'm happy. I'm happy with an ED, it's okay. I have a lovely boyfriend now.

Have a good time, I'm sure I'll be back one day :) xx

Lillie

Where have I been? 05:24

Well, nearly xmas, very excited. Getting an A is psychology, makes me pleased..
Me and J broke up and I'm seeing a guy...lets call him JM :) he's lovely.
The whole fluid in arms thing? I was experiencing amphetamine psychosis...scary stuff guys!! I don't take ti too often, but sometimes. I'm getting some as an xmas gift off J :P

Have made lots of new friends at my college, I'm happy about that. Also, there's an anorexic girl there, she seems so timid and shy. I want to talk to her...but what is there to say? I look fairly averaged sized, you'd never know I use drugs to stop eating and throw up/restrict....i'm average but on the skinny side, i suppose.
Hate to say that, I know you don't believe me. You think I'm fat too :/

Hopefully be hearing more from me x
Much love!

all okay, nearly better.
still 109, but i think it'll go down tomorrow, pretty quickly actually :)
Well, we'll see
xx

back down to 109 :)

Death? 12:51

Right guys, I have a little confession to make...i was IVing fet on friday.
Somethings kinda gone wrong, I think...I'm gonna try and explain but I feel really disorientated and wrong.
I missed my vein a couple of times, well I did once and J did the other, and my arms started tingling after that, which is pretty normal...but now they've swollen up with fluid (only a little bit!!) which i can feel going up and down my arms when i move about..
I'm incredibly dizzy and disorientated, and i'm trying to work out whats wrong with me by using the internet...
I did go to the 'urgent care centre' in bishop auckland yesterday, but at the time my arms had drained and there wasn't really much to prove what was wrong. He said that nothing was wrong, but I'm very sure there is, I feel absolutely awful, like I could faint or worse at any second. I'm going to A&E tomorrow after college, hopefully they'll be able to find out what's wrong with me. I definately don't want my parents finding out, it'll only worry them and disappoint them..

On an eating note, I've just had a little bit of food (bag of wotsits, couple of veggie scotch eggs and a breakaway bar) and I had a small fruit salad at lunchtimeish to try and make me feel better. I had a 'quasimodo' yesterday (tortilla thingy, it has a proper name, that's just what my family call it)...Have yet to weigh myself but hopefully have lost a bit :)

More soon, hope I stay alive!

i feel so sad. it makes me want to cry.i feel like crying. i feel surreal.what the fuck is fucking wrong with me.

fuck. 11:39

115.
I'm a failure. I want to die.